22 Comebacks to ‘So When Are You Getting Married?’

I’ve long prided myself on being a happily not-married woman, which always felt like a big middle finger to the patriarchal social conditioning that tells me to measure my worth by my relationship status. Until recently, being single is when I’ve historically been my most confident and had the most fun. Why change that?! I’m also a cynical child of divorce, I like being able to screw anyone I want, whenever I want, and I have female friends who fulfill all my emotional needs. In other words, I’ve never needed men. On top of all that, I’m also a tomboy and a klutz who hates weddings—I don’t really like dresses, particularly white ones, and am likely to stain them on the rare occasion I’m forced into such things.

But I have been open to a long-term partnership, so long as it’s one based on equality and friendship. As women, though, it’s annoying how much people pester us about wedding bells, as if the trajectories of our relationships are any of their damn business. Plus, women are rethinking marriage now in general, not entirely surprising considering heterosexual marriages are often a bad deal for women. In my experience, there are a million reasons to stay single and only one not to: You find a partner who is an equal, not a needy man-baby.

So imagine my surprise when I found myself waving off a balcony like a goddamn Disney princess this summer, moments after tying the knot to my now husband. Even more shocking than getting married was the fact I wore a white dress (that I nearly ruined with period blood stains while trying it on because my diva cup runneth over). Here I’d done the thing I swore I’d never do—legally tie myself to a man. I guess being locked down by the coronavirus-induced lockdown here in France for months during a global pandemic made me rethink this marriage thing. Life comes at you fast!

Despite being newly married now at the ripe young age of 43, I will defend and support single women to my grave, as they are some of the bravest people on earth, yet the most shamed, constantly having to defend their decision to be happy alone. So maybe this will help with anyone seeing family this holiday (socially distanced I hope!). Before getting married recently, I always had in my arsenal this list of comebacks to shut the judgmental if unintentional haters up when they ask, “So when are you getting married?”