29 Comebacks to ‘So Why Don’t You Have Kids Yet?’

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If there’s one thing much of society is still not okay with, it’s women having a purpose in life other than motherhood.

As someone who just turned 43, I have been fielding questions for years about the status of my perpetually empty uterus and listening to insistence from other moms that I’ll surely change my mind like they did. I’m exhausted. I absolutely understand we need women to keep humankind going, but so few people are okay with my decision not to be one of them. Truthfully, I’m perfectly happy not having children. It’s not something I’ve ever fantasized about—my Barbies were driving Tonka Trucks, not rearing Skipper.

Maybe I will change my mind, but there are many reasons I could make the case that having kids isn’t a great deal for women. For starters, we do endless unpaid emotional labor; some fathers do less and get away with more; men are already our dependents; and many women are actually happier without kids or a spouse. To be honest, the bonkers bedtime routine I’ve been through as a nanny and an aunt is enough to scare me off motherhood entirely.

Because it gets harder every year to deal with invasive questions about my fertility, this year I’m going to be ready. When nosy relatives and friends ask you for the millionth time when you’re going to have kids, be ready with one of these all too real comebacks.

Ah yes, seeing parents questioning every life choice while trapped with their kids for nine months during the pandemic has really made me want kids of my own, thanks for reminding me.
I’m just not cool enough to be one of those parents who gets roasted on TikTok.
I’m not interested in losing 30% of my income, thanks!
What is it about hundreds of thousands of women being pushed out of the workforce to care for children during the pandemic that makes you think having kids would be appealing to a woman right now?
Having kids is fun, but have you ever tried having total freedom, a disposable income, and spontaneous trips to Rome?
Since we already have fewer vacation days than a medieval peasant, I’d prefer to spend the few I do have on a quiet beach rather than Disney World.
I can barely stay alive on my health insurance. Why would I subject a child to the worst health care in the developed world?
You know, you really only have to step onto a Lego once to never want to see a child again.
My vagina is tight enough without the post-delivery “husband stitch.” I want to keep sex pain-free, thanks.
An 18-year commitment is hard enough, but what if they never leave?!
Actually, I don’t feel like my worth as a woman comes from reproduction or parenting!
I’d like more than three days to recover from making a human being. But the idea of recovering for an entire year makes this not seem worth it.
OMG, I would love to but I am genuinely concerned that the environmental devastation caused by your generation’s inaction will create a situation where the earth is simply not livable, making it feel unethical to bring children into the world.
My generation can’t afford to have or raise a child, sorry.
We’re in the midst of a maternal mortality crisis.
IVF is the price of a new car and I’m still paying off this used one.
I’m an amazing aunt. Why have kids when my sister’s will take care of me?
Women are already too busy taking care of our parents, partners, and literally everyone else. Who’s got the time?!
Even dads, who do less work, think it’s not so great and are reconsidering the workload of having kids.
Not having children has allowed me to devote my free time to helping out in my community. Tell me, what acts of service have you been doing lately?
I already have a borderline-toxic helicopter parent obsession with my dog. I’m sure I’d be even worse with a kid.
I would never subject a child to the perils of existing.
I’m not interested in having to work as a stay-at-home mom and being a working mom.
Oops, it’s too late anyway because no one taught me about my body.
I want to be an invisible old lady that society doesn’t value, okay?
How can anyone expect me to go six weeks without sex?
I already can’t make new friends at this age. Having a baby will ensure I never see anyone ever again.
If I have a kid, I can’t get a divorce without becoming a jerk like those parents in Marriage Story.
It’s none of your business.