Self-Care Isn’t Just Bubble Baths and Pedicures—I Have to Set Boundaries

I got my first migraine about 10 years ago, after my dad passed away suddenly. I didn’t realize it was a migraine. But it was extremely painful: It felt like people were stomping on my head. 

After his death, a wave of emotions and grief hit me all at once. And as the oldest child, I felt an overwhelming need to protect my mom and my brother, so those emotions and grief went on the back burner. Eventually, all of that pain that I kept bottled up would bubble over into a migraine. 

Because I have migraines with aura, I see flashes of different colored lights coming through my eyes. That’s the signal that the train is coming—the train, of course, being the migraine. I used to take Tylenol, use a cold compress to help with the pain, and try to rein in my emotions. But the more I bottled things up, the worse the migraines got.

Once I dealt with my grief, I didn’t have a migraine for a couple years. Then in 2017, my fiancé was diagnosed with a rare, advanced form of cancer—and I experienced caregiver burnout: I was the sole provider for both of us because he was unable to work. I drove him an hour-and-a-half each way to his many doctor’s appointments. And I was planning a wedding with someone who might not even make it down the aisle. Of course, my migraine attacks came back with a vengeance. 

I was scared to go to the doctor, because I had wrapped myself up entirely into caring for my fiancé; I couldn’t afford for something to be wrong with me, too. It wasn’t until this year, after we got married and my husband was declared cancer-free, that I finally went to see a doctor. 

I was given a prescription that I take as soon as the auras start. And over-the-counter meds can help with the pain, too. My migraines can last up to three days, but it helps. 

It was nice to finally talk to a neurologist about what I was experiencing. He spoke with me about my diet, and the foods I could cut back on to help—things like salty snacks. And he told me that I had to try as hard as possible to cut down on the stressors in my life. That’s easier said than done, of course, but it’s one of the most important ways I can fight migraines. 

I’ve had to learn that self-care isn’t just bubble baths and pedicures. They can be incredible. But for me to sustain good, true self-care—to protect my peace—I have to set boundaries. That means with everyone in my life: my husband, friends, and family. Because people will drain you. Things will drain you. I’ve had to learn over time that if someone is upset that you set up boundaries, that’s more of a reflection of them than it is of you.

I’ve also had to learn that I’m only going to accept calls during certain hours, and that I’m only going to be on my phone for a certain number of minutes a day. I make time to light a candle and read. I walk many miles each week. I’ve had to figure out what really brings me joy—like driving around in my car so that I can listen to music and sing at the top of my lungs or taking a hot shower.

There are so many different things that you can do that take only a few minutes but that can have such a lasting effect on your stress levels and overall wellbeing. I can’t say that I never get migraines any more, because I do. But I have worked hard so I can maneuver through them.