Pisces Is a Lie

“We have been shamed and mischaracterized for too long,” said one disgruntled Pisces when I asked her about her relationship to our besmirched sign. “This whole ‘Pisces are irresponsible dreamers who can’t do real adult life’ thing is wrong!” (She classed Geminis on the other hand as “the real villains of the zodiac.”)

“While I am creative,” offered another, “I’m also a stone-cold bitch.”

We were legion—we well-adjusted Pisces. And I wanted justice for us, which is how I ended up emailing a generic inbox associated with Susan Miller smack dab in the middle of Pisces season as the world crumbled around us. I’m too scared to reread the email now, which has to be described as a rant. But I do remember articulating the numerous issues I had with the toxic Pisces brand.

Within 24 hours, an assistant emailed me back to tell me Susan Miller wanted to talk. I was feeling bold that morning and a series of calamitous push alerts had set me on edge, so I went for it. When she picked up, I told her the sign was false advertising. Libelous! I didn’t understand it and I didn’t accept it. I demanded a full accounting.

“You have the wrong idea,” she said, her tone grave, after I’d finished. She’d read the email I’d sent and it rendered her “speechless.”

“I didn’t even know where to begin,” she said. It was all a huge mistake, she told me—an amateurish misapprehension of the stars.

“Forbes said that there are more Pisces billionaires—and also Virgo, the opposite sign—than all other signs,” Miller said. “That’s just statistics.” What some less skilled stargazers interpreted as a kind of aimless dreaminess obscured the fact that Pisces are some of our most creative and flexible people. We brim with passion!

Miller believed that the bewilderment about Pisces’ true nature could be chalked up to a misunderstanding over the role that Neptune—God of the Seas, are we still following?—has in its actions. Neptune—ruler of Pisces, let’s just go with it—also controls the subconscious. “You ask Pisces, ‘Where did you get that great idea?’ They kind of look at you and say, ‘I don’t know, actually,’” Miller said. “And they really don’t know! Because they’re taking bits and pieces of the world and linking them together to create something entirely new. That is the most creative sign of the zodiac, because of Neptune.”