Let me start by saying that I’m an anal virgin—or, if a butt plug can take your virginity, I at least was until very recently. I first tried exploring anal stimulation with my finger back in college, after a campus sexuality workshop touted the joys of the anus, but felt nothing close to pleasure, so I gave up. A few years later I got a butt plug but just couldn’t seem to get it up there. To be honest, the whole concept of having something in my butt freaked me out.

So, when I first received the Cone—the very first butt plug created by sexual wellness brand Maude—I was skeptical that it would fit inside me, let alone do anything for me. I was pleasantly surprised, though, that I succeeded in the former and even got some of the latter.

Maude’s brand is all about simplicity, and this product is no exception. The Maude Cone doesn’t vibrate like many other butt plugs do—it’s just 4.25 inches of platinum-grade, soft-touch silicone (3.5 of those inches are insertable, and the width is 1.5 inches), with a tapered shape for easy insertion and a flared base so it can’t get stuck in you. The toy is phthalate- and latex-free for those concerned about chemicals—and waterproof for those who want to use it in the shower or bath. It’s intentionally slim for anal beginners like yours truly, and it costs only $30, so if it’s not your thing, it’s not a huge investment. 

Another thing Maude likes to do is create sleek, elegant products that look good on your nightstand. I happened to leave the Cone on my bathroom counter and I did feel strangely comfortable with it there: The green silicone (it also comes in charcoal), petite size, and thin shape make it look more like a tiny, dim lava lamp than a sex toy. (It also comes with a nice canvas bag for storage and travel.) But I eventually had to work up the courage to bring it into bed with me. 

To maximize my chances of being able to actually get it inside me, I played with my clit for a while first. Then came the moment of truth. The whole thing didn’t slide right in immediately, but with excessive-seeming amounts of water-based lube—you shouldn’t use Cone with oil or silicone lube as it will apparently degrade the silicone—and gradual movement, I was surprised that it went in with little discomfort. And once I got the insertion itself out of the way, it stayed snuggly in there thanks to its flared base, which also happens to have a suction cup so adventurous users can attach it to the floor or wall. Getting it in was the hardest part; the rest was a breeze.

I used a vibrator on my clit while the Cone was inside my anus, and when I climaxed, I could feel my anal muscles contracting along with my vagina—sort of like a full-pelvis orgasm. The anal muscles are actually always engaged during orgasm, but feeling them contract against something intensified the pleasure and made the whole sensation more spread out. 

I also tried a few experiments: Even though the Maude Cone doesn’t vibrate, I was able to make it vibrate by holding my vibrator against the base, which created a pleasant buzzing sensation in my anus. I also tried penetrating my vagina with a dildo while the Cone was in me, but it felt like too much—there just wasn’t enough space for them both. When I was ready to call it a night, the plug came out of me fairly effortlessly when I pushed my pelvic muscles outward. 

All in all, while having something up my butt while I masturbated was kind of an odd feeling, it was also a new and interesting one. Is anal pleasure suddenly my thing now? No. But having finally succeeded in using an anal toy, I do feel like I’ve reached a sexual milestone. Anal play no longer intimidates me so much, and even though I don’t know if I’ll want to explore it further, it feels liberating to know that I can. Thanks, Cone! 

There’s no shortage of women who watch porn, but for the longest time, it felt impossible to find porn for women. These days there is (praise be) a ton of feminist porn out there, but it can sometimes take a bit of legwork to find. On a lot of free sites, it often feels like you have to wade through video after video (and pop-up after pop-up) of people degrading, insulting, and violating women before you can find something arousing and empowering. 

Finding hot masturbation material (or fodder for favorite foreplay tips) should not come at the cost of feeling like an object (unless that is specifically what you’re looking for, a valid turn-on which can still be experienced in a feminist way).

Much of the best porn for women isn’t free, but keep in mind that a lot of free porn isn’t produced ethically. Paying for feminist porn is not only going to be safer for your computer, but it makes the entire industry more female-friendly—for the performers and the viewers.

Here are some feminist porn sites to check out if you’re looking for female empowerment, mutually respectful sex, and lots of content to help get you off.

Cindy Gallop created this site to show real sex among real people—not actors doing things that don’t represent how sex happens IRL. Couples submit videos of themselves having sex—”real world sex in all it’s glorious, silly, beautiful, messy, reassuring humanness—which you can rent for $5, and half of the money will go to the stars themselves. “We are not porn—porn is performance (often an exceedingly delicious performance, but a performance nonetheless),” its website reads. “We are not ‘amateur’—a label that implies that the only people doing it right are the professionals and the rest of us are bumbling idiots. (Honey, please.)” We love that attitude. And these vids.

This award-winning queer porn site provides “real dyke porn, lesbians, femme on femme, boi, stud, genderqueer and trans-masculine performers, transwomen, transmen, queer men and women engaging in authentic queer sexuality.” You can become a member (which lets you stream all the videos) for $9.99 to $25 a month.

Erika Lust, a filmmaker who explained why porn can be feminist in this great TED Talk, gives us porn videos—made largely by female directors—that show all of the passion, “intimacy, love, and lust in sex,” where “the feminine viewpoint is vital, the aesthetic is a pleasure to all of the senses, and eroticism and innovation are celebrated.” She also accepts viewer “confessions,” which she turns into videos for her XConfessions series. You can watch Lust’s work for $16.66 to $34.95 a month.

Instead of your standard video format, this site features GIFs for quick, free consumption of “palpable desire, unbridled passion, and body-positive eroticism.” It also offers sex-toy reviews, a NSFW coloring book, and other resources from sex educator Elle Chase.

The “female-friendly” sections of mainstream porn sites are often just proof of how low our standards are. Anything where a woman feels a modicum of genuine pleasure tends to get categorized this way, even when the images overall are clearly geared toward straight men. But Dane Jones’ videos are some of the best options you’ll find under this category. They’re sensual, romantic, and focused on the women involved (though they tend to have shots that linger on men’s bodies as well). You can become a member for around $20 to $30 a month, but many videos are free.

The women-run Indie Porn Revolution—formerly known as nofauxxx.com—is committed to involving a diverse array of actors, showing safe sex (a rarity in porn), and casting frequently typecast people in nonstereotypical roles. Membership is $16.67 to $20 a month.

“Ms. Naughty,” the filmmaker behind this production company, calls it “a deliberate attempt to show all the good stuff that we love about sex—intimacy, laughter, connection, and real pleasure.” The videos feature the silly, awkward side of sex as well as the hot and steamy side. The camera zooms in on men just as much as it does on women, and the scenes focus on the buildup of sexual tension couples experience before sex, so you can feel the heat rising. To see beyond the previews, you have to pay $28.22 for the first month and then $12.24 a month after that.

Listen to enough fake porn moans and you can start to wonder what real people actually sound like when they’re masturbating or having sex. Fortunately, this site clears all that up. For no cost at all, you can listen to dozens of audio recordings of masturbation sessions. Some include dirty talk aimed at pleasing the listener, and others include entertaining attempts to count backward from 100 to 0.

The feminist sex-toy store Good Vibrations makes an effort to cater to women’s diverse desires, and its video collection is no exception. You can search specifically for feminist porn, women-directed films, and even sex-ed guides—something very needed in a world where way too many people learn everything they know from some pretty unrealistic porn. You can pay per minute or rent each video for $5 to $10.

At Bellesa, women can easily access sexual content that is true to how they see themselves—as subjects of pleasure, not objects of conquest. It’s not just about the porn, though. They’re a platform that is aimed at helping women fulfill their desires, share intimate and erotic stories, and even engage in a community with other like-minded women looking to freely express their sexuality on the Internet. If you want to try your hand at erotica stories, you can submit your content here, or you can simply browse through their women-friendly porn, whether you’re looking for something sensual, passionate, or, dare we say, even a little rough.

This female-founded app is that is aimed at creating elevated feminist audio—think Audible for erotica—that allows you to find a sexy story for whatever situation you’re in. You can search for audio porn to listen to alone in bed for a solo session; stories perfect to listen to before a date to get you into a flirty headspace; even erotic stories appropriate for listening to on your commute home to help you switch off from a day at the office. Dipsea’s stories feature a broad range of preferences, perspectives, and interests, and they’re fun, safe, and full of enthusiastic content that prioritizes female pleasure. You can subscribe for $47.99 per year, which is less than $4 a month.

Sexuality is a spectrum, and the best porn should reflect that. SPIT’s queer porn collection nails it on two levels, showcasing different types of content—videos, photos, and erotica—which showcase a variety of experiences. Its content is developed ethically, and the company is dedicated to creating consensual, equitable, and intersectional feminist spaces in the sex industry. That’s definitely a great reason to join for $19.65 per month.

Reddit isn’t always the friendliest place for women, but on the r/chickfixxx subreddit you can find women posting their favorite female-friendly X-rated videos. You can even make requests—if your tastes are more specific or you’re looking for a particular kind of video, it may just be easier to ask your fellow sexperts here instead of browsing for hours. You are most definitely welcome.

For porn on the artistic side (yes, it’s a thing and it’s great), check out the photography and short films on A Four Chambered Heart. Unsurprisingly, some of the stills are pretty enough to hang up on your walls—if you’re not too busy getting off to them, that is.

Images and audio are great, but sometimes there’s nothing better than reading some good old-fashioned erotica. Literotica isn’t your grandma’s scandalous paperback, however. The free resource provides some of the hottest erotic fiction and fantasy on the Internet from a variety of authors and points of view. Its standards for stories are high, so you can be sure that the stories featured here are, ahem, quite useful.

Stuck in a missionary position rut? Allow me to introduce you to the Coital Alignment Technique (CAT).

In the summer of 1988, a research study clearly demonstrated that making some simple adjustments to the classic missionary man-on-top position could significantly increase the likelihood that women would experience orgasm during intercourse and also increase the chances of partners “coming together” (pun intended) with simultaneous orgasms. The technique was even hyped as the “cure” for female sexual dysfunction.

This version of the missionary position, known as the Coital Alignment Technique, or CAT for short, is surprisingly easy to learn and uber effective, yet in my experience, most women (and their partners) have yet to be introduced to its pleasures.

Before I get into how to do it, an important caveat: As a sex therapist turned neuroscientist, I encourage people not to make sex all about the orgasm. Being goal directed in the bedroom is a great way to inhibit the natural pleasures of being in the experience as is—and that’s where all the fun is.

The best missionary position

The good old fashioned missionary position has been shown to be a good way to stimulate the anterior wall of the vagina (the territory of the G-spot) which provides stimulation to the internal clitoris as well as the female prostate gland (AKA Skene’s glands or the paraurethral sponge).

The Coital Alignment Technique can do an even better job of stimulating the external clitoris than the regular missionary position. (But remember, the goal of the CAT is not creating an orgasm, but rather changing the way we align our bodies and move for maximum pleasure).

How to Do the Coital Alignment Technique

In the CAT, just like the standard missionary position, the penetrating partner lies on top. (For two partners with vaginas, this position can be adapted by getting creative and using sex toys or dildos for penetration.)

The penetrating partner then shifts their body position by moving upward on the receiving partner’s body (which is different from missionary). This is called “riding high.” The top partner’s chest should align with the bottom partner’s shoulders.

Once in position, the top partner rests their weight on the bottom partner, rather than using their arms to hold themselves up—this pressure is key for maximizing stimulation of the clitoris.

From this position, when the penetrating partner inserts a penis or sex toy, it will point more downward into the vagina rather than pointing upward as in the standard missionary position. This way, the base of the penis or sex toy makes more direct and sustained contact with the external clitoris, which results in more consistent clitoral contact and stimulation.

Now this is key: The penetrating partner doesn’t thrust in and out of the vagina, as in the missionary position. Genital contact is maintained by a rhythmic, coordinated rocking, which creates constant pressure on the clitoris. The receiving partner leads on rocking with the upstroke and the penetrating partner leads on the downstroke. Pelvic mobility is a critical factor that increases the likelihood of female orgasm—the more the receiving partner rocks their pelvis, the more blood flow will increase to the genitals and the more the sensations will ramp up.

Don’t just focus on the technique, focus on connecting with your partner. Use words, sounds, touches, to communicate what you want, what you like, or what feels the best. Don’t be afraid to let your partner know what’s not working, or what could work even better. Remember when it comes to sex, feedback is our friend.

And have fun. As I write in my book, Why Good Sex Matters, partners who remember that the bedroom can be a playground for grown-ups end up overall having more fun and pleasure—which is not a luxury, but a necessity for a well-balanced emotional brain and overall well-being.

Nan Wise, Ph.D., is an AASECT-certified sex therapist, neuroscientist, certified relationship expert, and author of Why Good Sex Matters: Understanding the Neuroscience of Pleasure for a Smarter, Happier, and More Purpose-Filled Life. Follow her @AskDoctorNan.

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You’ve used coconut oil for your skin, your hair, and your coffee. But is using coconut oil as lube a good idea? 

That question is trending on TikTok thanks to the viral reactions to a NSFW video. In the vid, coconut oil is poured into a kettle, heated, and then poured—a clever if not slightly scary hack. (It should go without saying that you should never pour hot oil of any kind onto your body, especially the most sensitive areas of your skin. Stick to warm, people!) 

TikTok trends aside, coconut oil does often come up as a natural-lube option. Vaginal dryness can result from a number of things, everything from a yeast infection to menopause, the latter of which decreases the body’s estrogen levels. “Estrogen is the hormone that is responsible for providing more blood flow to the vagina, making it more elastic,” says Shari Martin Lawson, M.D., division director of general obstetrics and gynecology at John Hopkins Medicine. The lack of fluids down there can make intercourse uncomfortable, even painful, while being mentally frustrating. This is where lubricants can be your best friend. 

The good news is that are dozens of lubricants for women on the market for women to explore, in addition to topicals that your doctor may prescribe. But for women looking for an all-natural (and wallet-friendly) alternative, heading to the kitchen for a jar of coconut oil is a compelling idea. 

Is coconut oil safe for lube?

Extracted from mature coconuts, coconut oil is rich in saturated fats. These fats, the majority of which are made up of lauric acid, are what cause it to thicken up and turn solid at room temperatures and melt into a slippery liquid when it heats on your skin. It’s pretty much accepted that the oil is like the OG Dr. Bronner’s all-in-one, but how does it factor as a natural lubricant? 

“I recommend coconut oil for select patients of mine, and it is absolutely safe to use as a lubricant,” says Lawson. (In addition to coconut oil, extra-virgin olive makes a great natural lube as well.)

If your vaginal dryness is related to a health condition, an all-natural alternative like coconut oil can be an especially good idea. Says Lawson, “We usually will recommend that patients use topical estrogen, but there are some patients, in particular patients that have estrogen-sensitive cancers—most commonly breast cancer—that can’t use or choose not to use estrogen.” 

Not all coconut oils are created equal however, so it’s important to be mindful of which one you’re picking up when it comes to using it as a lubricant. You’ll want to make sure you’re grabbing a food-grade type that is free from any preservatives or additives, says Lawson. “I find that people get a lot of irritation, in general, when they use fragranced soaps and body washes in the vulva and vaginal areas.” 

To keep the jar as sterile as possible, just add a sexy-time spoon (our words) “to take some of it out of the jar and it will warm up in your hands and melt at your body temperature,” Lawson says. You can store the oil in a cupboard or cabinet, where it should be “shelf-stable for at least 6 to 12 months.” Of course, expiration dates are good to keep in mind, but trust your senses: If there’s a strong odor coming from the oil, it’s probably best to toss it. 

Benefits of using coconut oil as lube

Part of what makes coconut oil so appealing is its versatility—you can lather it on your skin postshower for a luminous glow or work some of the solid into your hair for an intensely moisturizing overnight mask. Even better, “it’s easy to come by and is cost-effective,” says Banafsheh Kashani, M.D., a reproductive endocrinology and infertility specialist.