Like matching outfits and pet names, couple tattoos tend to draw a divide. Some cringe at the idea, while others think there’s no better way to cement their love for their partner. But if getting inked up with your love feels like the next step in your relationship, then it really doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks, does it? At the end of the day, each couple knows what’s best. 

So if you’re looking for a permanent way to celebrate that one-of-a-kind love, you’ve come to the right place. You can always get the typical couple name tattoos—but have you considered couple ring tattoos or infinity tattoos for couples?

From delicate finger stamps to large-scale motifs, we’ve rounded up some of the best couple tattoos that will make you and your partner smile every time.  

1. Always and Forever

Simple and to the point, this gorgeous scripted tattoo says what you’re thinking every time you gaze deeply into your partner’s eyes and remember why you decided to commit to the future together.

2. Mismatched Tattoos

Cute and cheeky, this smiley face and “OK” are a playful way to capture the joy of spending time together. This is one of those matching tattoos for couples that looks good in simple black and also a range of colors. Experiment and have fun with it. That’s what couple finger tattoos are all about. 

3. The One True Love

Who doesn’t love an adorable bunny? And who knew carrots could look so good? For those looking for cute couple tattoos, we’ve found your answer. 

4. A Minimalist Set

If symbols are more your thing, this impeccably executed Maya letter tattoo is definitely worth exploring. For a minimalist look opt for black or a steely gray that will pop against the skin.

5. L-O-V-E

Love is truly one of the most powerful, unifying forces. Like two halves of a heart, this tattoo will serve as a reminder of what brings you together every day.

6. Send Noods

Love ramen like you love each other? Maybe it was your first-date meal or the one you go back to time and time again for comfort. Getting these delicious bowls inked on will be a delicious feast for heart and eyes.  

7. Share Your Culture

If you’re looking for a way to share your culture on a deeper level, then look into a tattoo design that has symbolic significance. Your partner will appreciate learning more about your heritage and being able to share a piece of it. 

8. For the Love of the Game

Gamers, rejoice! Whether you two like to battle it on the soccer field or tag-team it on an out-of-this world adventure, this tattoo is the perfect way to celebrate your love for the many pixelated universes out there. 

9. A Fairytale Dream

Love couple tattoos that will make any romantic swoon? The delicately curved vines and shiny matching key and lock are what fairytales are made of.

10. It’s in the Stars

If you have a special place in your heart for Studio Ghibli, these matching Susuwatari unique couple tattoos are such an adorable way to show off your romantic side. Each dancing figure holds half of a star–cue the puppy eyes. 

11. Let Your Fandom Inspire You

Another anime-inspired tattoo for the O.G. Dragonball Z fans. 

12. A Sea of Love

There are many moving parts to this ship called love. Memorialize it with a matching anchor and wheel set–one steers, while the other anchors to destination bliss. You can decide who gets which, although we know it’s really a tag team effort.

13. You Are My Sunshine

Some might describe their partner as a light in their life, as nourishing and invigorating as the sun above. The thing about matching couple tattoos is that they don’t have to match exactly—maybe you opt for slightly different designs or placement, like this groovy pair above. 

14. For the Slytherins

A set of snakes to capture how entwined you are with each other. 

15. A Starry Night

This is another celestial set that is simple yet poetic—let the love you share with one another lead you like a guiding star.

16. My Other Half

Obviously, not all love is romantic. Matching tattoos are also a great way to share your bond with your mother, siblings, and dear friends. These tiny avocados are great for big-time foodies.

17. A Classic

No frills yet very romantic—these matching outlined hearts are simply divine for those who prefer simple couple tattoos.

18. Couple Tattoos for a King and Queen

For those who rule the hearts of their beloved, check out these tattoos, which are fit for royalty.

19. For the Film Buffs

Maybe you’ve done the traditional love symbols and instead of removing want to cover them up with something a little edgier. This pulp fiction pair is the perfect way to celebrate your love for one another and iconic film. If violent movies aren’t your thing, what about Disney couple tattoos? 

20. Full Circle

For a fun twist on the couple tattoo, explore varying sizes that could “fit” into one another. It’s a subtle yet powerful way to show off how enamored you two are.

21. Sweet Like Cherries

These juicy cherries are such a great way to play with color while keeping it romantic and sweet. You could each go for a single cherry to make a pair or double up. 

22. You Give Me Butterflies

Butterflies can represent rebirth and transformation and make a powerful symbol for the impact a strong relationship can have on us. Keep it simple with an outlined set or go for detail with added color.

23. Pizza!

Who doesn’t love pizza? If we’re being honest, we might love it more than humans…. Share the amor with these matching cuties.

24. My Cup of Tea

When you’re in love, it’s fair to say your partner is your cup of tea. Add some smiley faces to increase adorable levels by 1,000%.

25. Simple and Sweet

This is a cool twist on the butterfly tattoo. Butterflies landing on top of gorgeous flowers is the picture of serenity and rest. Splitting up the two between you and your partner can be an extremely poetic piece.

26. A Matching Set

Love royalty but prefer not to go the crown route? Check out these playing-card-inspired matching tattoos that are discreet yet speak volumes.

27. Opposites Attract

Let’s be real—sometimes you and your partner can feel like day and night. It’s not always a bad thing, though. Who want to date a mirror copy of themselves? Celebrate the differences that bring you together with complementary tattoos like this rising moon and sun pair.

28. So Magical

Cute flying unicorns are definitely worth considering…because why not? Meaningful couple tattoos can come in any shape and size. 

29. Out of This World

This super-cool astronaut connects to a moon. Out of this world, like you two lovebirds.

30. Simple Letters

This ultra-chic, minimal tattoo is reminiscent of the charm necklace you’ve come to expect on holidays and anniversaries. Except you two won’t have to ever take this one off. 

31. It’s Cosmic

Small couple tattoos can still be about big feelings. Being in love is like entering a universe where everything is new, exciting, and ready for exploration. One can be the rocket and the other the galaxy far, far away that opens up worlds of possibilities between you two. 

32. A New Tradition

Rings are a cute spin on the tradition for wanting married couple tattoos. Go for ornate designs or a classic band.

33. It’s Science

If you two are super into the planets and the science behind them, check out this symmetrical pair.

34. Can I Have This Dance?

Okay, seriously, look at how cute these dancing kittens are. If you’re not getting these to represent a mutual obsession with the furry little animals, then get it for the little ball of joy they’ll bring every time you glance down.

35. Drinks Are on Me

Maybe you both enjoy a martini or neither of you can contain your enthusiasm for a good SATC reference. Either is perfectly fine and deserves a tat.

The BAM Bus is like John Tucker Must Die meets Crossroads, and it needs to be turned into a movie ASAP.

On July 15, The Washington Post published the tale of Abi Roberts, Bekah King, and Morgan Tabor, all college-aged young women who are currently on a cross-country camping trip. Their method of transportation? A renovated bus they’ve nicknamed the BAM Bus (after their three first initials). The reason for the trip? Strap in; it’s a wild ride. 

Roberts, King, and Tabor met last December, when Tabor started feeling like her boyfriend was maybe not as exclusive as they’d recently agreed to be. He wasn’t exactly being sneaky, leaving flirty messages on other girls’ Instagram posts, so Tabor used social media to contact the women he was talking to, and it turned out the guy was dating, like, half a dozen people, many of whom thought they were in exclusive relationships.

One of the women was Roberts. In fact, Tabor and Roberts were on FaceTime together when their mutual cheating boyfriend arrived at Tabor’s’ house. “We were talking, and I suddenly heard his car outside and he came to the door with flowers,” Tabor told the Washington Post. She told him she’d “made some new friends” and recalled, “Watching his face drop when he saw who I was talking to on FaceTime was the most cinematic moment ever.”

Tabor and Roberts then connected with King, another of this Casanova’s paramours, who was just as shocked as they’d been. All three women dumped the guy, who told WaPo, “There are two sides to everything, but I think the best thing right now is to say nothing…I really don’t want anything to do with them anymore.” Probably the smart move.

For their part, the BAM Bus ladies don’t want to shame or embarrass the guy, but celebrate the friendship that came out of their bonkers situation. They said they processed their breakups by messaging each other, forming a bond, and eventually deciding to meet in person.

“This guy had told each of us that it was his dream to pick up a VW bus and travel around the country in it,” said Roberts. “We were sitting around laughing and talking about the van life that weekend, and pretty soon we thought, ‘Hey, we can do this.’ ” A few months later, they hit the road in a bus they refurbished themselves, with help from their dads and YouTube tutorials.

“We’re living our dream life, having a blast,” Tabor said. “It’s incredible to think that it happened because of him.”

Obviously, Twitter ate this story right up, and the comments on Instagram are also celebrating these young women’s ingenuity and friendship.

Living well really is the best revenge. Obsessed.

Selena Gomez isn’t a stranger to public romances. Her years-long relationship with Justin Bieber is a serious piece of pop culture history. Plus, she dated Nick Jonas and The Weeknd. And in a recent interview with Australian Vogue, she opened up about her relationship history, telling the publication she’s been unlucky in love.

“I think most of my experiences in relationships have been cursed,” she said. “I’ve been way too young to be exposed to certain things when I was in relationships.”

The interviewer then asked Gomez about the word rare and where its significance comes from. (Rare, as you may know, is the name of Gomez’s makeup line and the title of her last album. She also has the word tattooed on her neck.) 

“I guess I needed to find what was that word for me because I felt so less-than in past relationships and never really felt equal,” she revealed. “It wasn’t even necessarily like: ‘Oh, I feel that way, let me sing it.’ It was almost like: ‘Actually, I need to feel that way about myself.’ I think that my family, and my chosen family—I feel like I’m surrounded by real people.”

Now that we’re coming out of the pandemic, the “Lose You to Love Me” singer is getting ready for the next chapter of her life. “I am beyond grateful that my loved ones were really safe during the pandemic,” she says. “And I’m just really happy with who I am. I’m grateful that as I step into 29—even just two years ago—I was different.”

She continued, “It’s only gotten better, and that’s kind of what people say, you know, when you get older, you feel a bit more confident with who you are. I don’t know if that’s gonna be every year for me. Maybe it is. But I just feel like I’m constantly growing in the right direction.”

Read Selena Gomez’s full interview with Australian Vogue here. 

The ancient Greeks entertained themselves with the on-again, off-again love affairs of the gods.

We get Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck, exes back together again, having climbed upon the world stage and taken the opportunity to exchange as much spit as possible. It’s a twist out of a soap opera that has run through every possible pairing and is returning to the couples set up in the pilot. Bennifer, or Lofleck if you like, were last romantically involved in January 2004, when they broke off their engagement. Now, with constant paparazzi shots of the two of them, everything old is new again. (I don’t mean to suggest that 48 and 51 are old! Strike me down with a Super Bowl stripper pole, first.)

Not to be outdone—by anyone, ever, for any reason—Angelina Jolie was seen coming out of Jonny Lee Miller’s apartment two times this week. Jolie and Miller were married for four years and divorced in 1999. Like a leg emerging from a slinky Oscar gown, Jolie deftly asserted herself into the celebs-back-together-with-their-exes trend.

Exes and co-parents Travis Scott and Kylie Jenner were also linked this week, when Scott appeared to refer to Jenner as “Wifey,” and Jenner posted a picture of them upright-spooning. That’s not all—Lopez’s more recent ex-fiancé Alex Rodriguez hung out with his ex-wife, Cynthia Scurtis, this month, too. They lifted weights, both physical, as well as, apparently, the heaviness of the past.

And to bring this entire thing full circle, Ben Affleck’s ex-wife Jennifer Garner recently got back together with one of her exes. His name? John Miller (not to be confused with Johnny Lee Miller, who may be back with Angelina.) It’s almost like the celebrities are trying to entertain us.

Part of what makes these renewed pairings so satisfying is the way that—in the wake of a year of loss—they provide the temporary illusion that time has not passed. Celebrities have access to technologies and treatments that delay the visual effects of aging, so they already give the eerie impression of timelessness. But if they didn’t, seeing our old favorites together is not just nostalgic. It’s a portal to who we were.

Celebrities are acting like they invented getting back with your ex, trying each other on again like beloved jeans found in the back of a closet. As is often the case, stars probably aren’t starting a trend as much as they are very publicly exemplifying an existing one. In the early days of the pandemic, many people experienced the sudden, gnawing desire to get back in touch with an ex. Now—albeit with a much sunnier future ahead of us—the world is shifting under our feet again. When we lose our sense of control, we turn to the comfort of the familiar. If you’re thinking about sending that text, you’re not alone—Google searches for “Should I get back together with my ex” are spiking in June.

As the Ben Affleck–Jennifer Lopez reunion continues apace, Affleck’s most recent ex, Ana de Armas, is moving on with a new beau. And he’s not an actor.

De Armas is reportedly dating 37-year-old Paul Boukadakis and has been for a few months. Page Six reports that de Armas has already met members of his family, and according to its source, “Paul and Ana were introduced through friends. He is based in Austin, but splits his time between Texas and Santa Monica. He has been spending a lot of time with Ana before she left the U.S. to film her new movie.”

Being introduced by a friend is a classic—some might say even old-fashioned—meet-cute, especially when you consider that Boukadakis is an executive at dating app Tinder. The V.P., who has also acted in and produced short films, was apparently a founder at a company called Wheel, which Tinder bought a few years back to “add video collaboration” to its offerings. Not entirely sure what that means, though we can guess why de Armas might not be so keen on using dating apps herself, especially ones with video. Just before he got back with Lopez, Affleck sent a video to a match on Raya, and her TikTok about it went viral. 

Though de Armas hasn’t spoken publicly about her new relationship, she did seemingly confirm in March that she was not back together with Affleck. The two actors met on a movie set in early 2020 and spent most of the pandemic together in Los Angeles but split amicably in early 2021.

And now she’s back on set with a whole host of hunks. She’s the lead in the Russo Brothers’ upcoming spy thriller The Gray Man, which also stars Regé-Jean Page, Ryan Gosling, and Chris Evans. It’s good to be Ana de Armas.

I remember going to school the first day and people were all cool with me. Like, “Oh, my God. It’s him.” Then I would leave and go to work for lunch and then come back and then everybody hated me. Because they were like, “Ah, he doesn’t have to go to school.” It’s crazy when you think about it, because it’s not normal. In the regular workplace, you’ve got to be, what, 16 to work? For acting that’s nonexistent. You can be an infant. It’s crazy.

It really is. So, let’s talk about some dating questions.

The fun stuff. [Laughs.]

Yeah! What’s the biggest turn-off for you?

Oh, man. I guess not being confident, because then you constantly have to be blowing her up. I think everybody wants to be with someone who is confident in themselves. Everybody should be gassing up their significant other, but you don’t want that to become a job. Or even like…this might sound bad… [Laughs.]

That’s okay.

I’m a chill dude. I think the worst thing is trying to figure out what you’re going to do as a date. If a girl wants to do big stuff all the time instead of just, like, ordering. You know what I’m saying?

Right, like high-maintenance.

Yeah. There you go. High-maintenance can also be an issue.

What’s your type, then?

Confident. God-fearing. I’m a faith person. I haven’t dated in a long time, but I do want to meet my wife someday…obviously. [Laughs.] I think the main things are confidence; for her to have her own thing going as well. There’s something so sexy about a working woman. I think that’s fire.

Who was your first celebrity crush growing up?

That’s easy for me. Naya Rivera. She recently passed away, which was really, really rough. I have so much respect for her family. I still am in communication with them, so I just want to make sure I’m respectful of that and what her family is going through. She was definitely my first everything. I think subconsciously it’s why I never really date like that because no one really ever… I know someday someone might, but it’s hard to measure up to the type of girl and woman she was.

I read what you wrote about her on Instagram, and it was so beautiful. I’m sorry you experienced that loss.

A point of clarification: people who don’t want to see you anymore don’t need to provide an explanation. They are not required to hear you out, or “just meet for a quick coffee” or give you a phone call. But they do owe you human decency. If you have had sexual intercourse or spent hours getting to know each other one-on-one, your relationship is not “chill.” It is extremely personal, and each of you need to communicate directly about your plans to never see the other person again.

After weeks of no contact, I called Jesse and left a mysterious, “Hey, there’s something I really need to talk about with you…” message, channeling my gynecologist when she leaves me foreboding voicemails that turn out to be about yeast infections. He texted back immediately. I said it would be better to talk in person. He arranged to come over right away.

Jesse materialized in my apartment, winding a beautiful scarf around his beautiful neck. I felt wild, witchy—he had ghosted me, but here he was now in the flesh. He had discarded me, but I had brought him back. “I am the necromancer!” I thought to myself, feeling crazed with power. My hair looked bad. Jesse looked at me with fear and with pity—I was no longer an object of his sexual interest, just an emotional woman.

“You ghosted me,” I said. “We went out too many times for that to be okay. If you knew you didn’t want to see me anymore, you should have just said so.”

Jesse squirmed. He had been planning to get back to me, he said. It was a busy time, he said.

“No, you ghosted me,” I said.

“I’m sorry you feel that way.”

“You don’t have to be sorry you feel that way,” I said. “Just be sorry you did it.”

“I’m sorry you feel like I did it,” he said. We continued on like this, a game of cat and other, more annoying, cat. I asked—if, as he claimed, he had been meaning to text, me, what would he have texted?

He looked pale.

“Say it,” I said. He was silent.

“Say it!” I hissed. “Say it now!” He looked up, spooked, like a peasant child waylaid in the woods by a witch woman.

“I felt like maybe we were moving more towards being friends,” he stammered.

I am the witch queen, I thought, as his steps echoed down the hall. I am the resurrector. I am she who turns ghosts to men and men to dust! I was still sad. I did not want to be rejected. But I did want my rejection to feel humane.

Since Jesse, I have refined my process for breaking up with myself when the person I’m dating refuses to. It’s important to remember that people are allowed to break up with us at any time, and they do not need a reason. To save time, I usually go with a text. I try to stick to the facts— “We went on four dates and you kept asking me to sleep over and watch you play ‘SexyBack’ on acoustic guitar. I think that our relationship merited a more respectful ending than you gave it by trying to just taper off texts to me. It hurt my feelings and I wish you would have been more direct.” No matter what they reply, I don’t get into a conversation. (In the early days I let an in-person self-dump get out of hand, and he ended up crying and saying he needed therapy, which was kind of thrilling but ultimately beyond my capacity.)

Every time I do this, I feel a little better. It’s as if I’m writing a letter to myself that says “You are too substantial to melt gently away when someone is done with you.” Part of why I insist upon behavior that other people would find embarrassing is that I want to remind myself that I have worth. There’s an older school of thought around sex and dating that sometimes makes me think, “Well, you went out with this man and had sex with him without getting a commitment, so what did you think would happen?” And the answer is—having sex and intimacy outside of a monogamous commitment still entitles me to basic decency. And if I don’t get basic decency, I will ask for it nicely.

I often hear a kind of nostalgia for the “old ways” of dating. People lament the days of men knocking on the doors for dates, and bringing flowers, and calling on the phone. But we would never, ever want to go back to those days. Those small kindnesses were given in exchange for women staying in a kind of straightjacket of femininity—female pleasure was unmentionable, queerness was forbidden, and there was almost no recourse for rape and harassment. I can buy myself flowers, I can open my own door, and when I make the mistake of dating a person who doesn’t value me enough to be direct, I can even dump myself.

It’s nice to take back control, to demand respect, even if it makes me seem crazy. It reminds me that I am real, worthwhile, and alive. It’s okay with me if afterwards, the person I was dating goes back to being weightless, formless, imaginary.

He should be nothing but a ghost.

*Name changed, but you know what you did, Jesse. 

“I don’t know what I want,” Muriel tells him. “What do you want? Do you want to do this?”

Nick says, “Yeah, let’s have a baby.”

“But it doesn’t feel intentionally enthusiastic,” Muriel says. “It’s wishy-washy. I’m pretty intentional when I want to make something happen. Right now, I’m more about, I like my apartment. I’m not going to move to Burbank.”

Because she feels so guilty about her uncertainty, she leans toward it meaning she shouldn’t have kids. If she doesn’t know by now if she wants them, she doesn’t deserve them and wouldn’t be a good mom anyway.

---

I wondered too: How could I know for sure that I wanted to raise a child?

I thought about how I was afraid having a child would slow down my career, and about how as a freelancer with unsteady earnings, I wasn’t sure I could afford childcare.

But I was also starting to feel a tug that I wanted to be a mom, that it would be nice to help guide a small person through life.

So, as I got older and closer to an age when I assumed I’d no longer be able to have a biological child, I accepted my uncertainty. I couldn’t know for sure how it would go, but I wanted to try to get pregnant. My fear was still there, but so was my instinct that having a child was something I wanted to do with my life.

I’d always told myself that I’d be comfortable being a single parent. I took care of my life myself. I should be able to do this on my own too.

But, when I knew I wanted to try to have a child, I also realized, after a string of sleepless nights, that I wanted to have a child with a partner.

I knew who I wanted that partner to be. That I missed my ex-boyfriend made sense. We dated for a long time when we were in our twenties, in a period that made us both better, and I felt so many ways about him: he was delightful, charming, magnetic, gorgeous, but also infuriating and crazy-​making.

He was comfortable one minute, unpredictable the next, and had a million other traits that made me both unable to get enough of him and terrified that his big personality might dominate mine.

Even though we weren’t in a romantic relationship, and lived in different cities, we had remained close, texting and visiting each other when we could. We had mutual friends we hung out with too. It was a complicated friendship, and one where I often cringed at how opinionated he was and how unwilling he was to try to make nice with everyone. But, just as often, it felt easy—I liked doing everything with him, even once marveling how much I enjoyed a trip we took to the store to stock the Airbnb I was staying at with toilet paper and laundry detergent. He let me use his Amazon Prime account; he encouraged me to set up an LLC for my freelance business. I called him when my pet fish died. He called me the morning he thought he was going to get laid off.

I thought he might want to come to New York. Maybe he’d be open to getting back together, to living with me, but I didn’t want him to if he wasn’t interested in also trying to have a child.

I decided to call him to ask him.

I was nervous beforehand. I was about to ask him if he wanted to move to New York and try to have a child with me. It was a lot to bring up on a phone call.

As the frosting on the cupcake, Dan said his amicable ex-wife would vouch for him, and he gave me her number. My dating fantasy is to check references with the one person on earth who really knows your potential soulmate so I dialed Janet immediately.

She was lovely. “First of all, you should know Daniel really needs friends,” she said, which is the second scariest reference you can hear about a potential partner. “Next, I’m not his ex-wife. I’m his wife,” which is the first. They’d been separated for five years following a family tragedy and decades of Daniel’s untreated alcoholism. To this sisterhood candor, I was speechless, first with shock, then gratitude.

Date 4

My advisors suggested dating closer to home, so I could check references a bit more readily. Conveniently, Tony* showed up in my Instagram feed. He lived a half-mile from my condo and his white Audi TT was the chick version of his black Porsche. He worked in IT intelligence and had a government background, which in DC means CIA. He loved his sailboat. His top travel destination was Positano, my favorite Italian village. It was fate!

We went for a socially distanced walk and ended up making out on his Georgetown front porch in view of at least a dozen passersby and neighbors. He was eight inches taller than me, so I nestled nicely into his chest. His beard was scratchy, his hard-on felt huge, and I was all in.

Two days later, driving my old minivan instead of the tell-tale TT, I stopped at a red light and watched in utter amazement as Tony, one hand clutching a pretty brunette, the other holding the leash of a bulldog, ambled across the street four feet in front of me. When I’d stopped hyperventilating, I called him. “That’s my wife,” he said. Well, at least he was honest.

Date 5

My radar for spotting unavailable men was getting sharper, and the coaches instructed: in addition to dating local and checking references, get to “no” fast. Stop creating the perfect man by fantasizing about every male you meet. When a guy expresses interest, talk to him within a few hours. Ask blunt, revealing questions like, “Are you single?” Be transparent. Focus on flushing out fatal flaws or incompatibilities as quickly as possible.

Along came an East Coast entrepreneur with a passion for biking and birding, a Southern gentleman who wanted more than a local belle, a doctor whose wife had died of breast cancer. My new “transparency first” approach led to authentic, albeit brief, connections with each. All had their upsides, but something was missing, every time.

I kept returning to my favorite girlfriend advice: “It takes a special man to be better than no man at all.” The truth was, on this roller coast of dating and quarantining, I got to truly love living solo. For the first time in my life, I could see myself alone—forever. Picking what I wanted for dinner every single night, living where I wanted to live, washing my hair once a week, sprawling across the bed, not ever sharing a closet—it was all growing on me.

One Sunday in late summer, I worked on a vision board. “It’s no longer just a dream” and “Get closer” and “Getting warmer” were the random headlines from magazines that drew my subconscious. I glued them onto posterboard and dreamed of my future.

The next day, out of the blue, I went on a hike with a recently-divorced dad I’d known for 15 years. He was more handsome than I remembered. Funnier, too. In breezy conversations, we touched on the joys of grandkids and the pain of ending a marriage. I felt butterflies, not fireworks. I failed to flush out any fatal flaws or current wives.

We’ve been on at least 100 pandemic dates since then. We’ve never been to a movie theater together. Or a party. Or a work barbecue. He’s not seen me in a dress. I’ve seen him buck naked or in sweatpants more than slacks. However, the pandemic has afforded unlimited time for talk and sex, so there’s that.

My cats like him. My kids think he’s the one for me. Even my ex-husband thinks he’s the one for me. And most importantly, I think he’s the one for me. You might conclude that the first date with him was the most important one. However, the time I invested to change my dating patterns, explore all the wrong possibilities, and face being on a lifetime date with myself? That, actually, was the most important date of all.

*Names have been changed.

Leslie Morgan is the author of the New York Times best-selling memoir, Crazy Love. Her latest memoir (The Naked Truth, Simon & Schuster) explores femininity, aging and sexuality after 50. Visit her via her website, Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn and Twitter.

For many of us, journaling started in middle school with a diary we’d probably now find a bit dramatic. These days, however, you might pick up journals for other reasons. Even if you’re not writing down your daily thoughts, many adults now embrace journaling as a way to track their mental health, dreams, travel, fitness, or career goals. Yet there’s one journaling topic you might not hear about as often: sex.

Yes, I’m suggesting you keep track of your sex life. But I don’t mean just writing down the names of everyone you have sex with (unless you want to). “Journaling about sex can add a layer of mindfulness to your sex life,” says Shadeen Francis, L.M.F.T., a therapist who specializes in sex therapy and emotional intelligence. If you’re open to the process, a sex journal can help you reflect on your experiences, desires, and fantasies. Below, you’ll find a few good reasons to start a sex journal and some tips for using one.

1. A sex journal can help you process your experiences.

“Journaling, for so long, has been used as a therapeutic technique to help people reflect on their thoughts and their feelings,” says Madeline Cooper, L.C.S.W., a sex therapist who sees both individuals and couples. Part of the reason journaling works is that it encourages expressive writing and helps people contextualize past emotional experiences. Sex therapist Lisa Hochberger, L.M.S.W., adds that sex can be difficult to process at the moment, “so a sex journal gives you the space to interpret your experience.” Even if you’re not having sex with other people right now, you can focus on past experiences, future desires, or masturbation. No matter what your sex life looks like, a sex journal can help you process it.

2. You might learn more about your sex drive.

With a sex journal, you can explore both how sex feels for you and why you’re doing it. “Sometimes sex can be this thing people do just to get it over with or because they feel they have to have sex to be a good partner,” Hochberger says, adding that a regular journaling practice allows you to slow down and become more aware of your motivations.

Tracking your sex life can also help you see patterns that might influence how, when, or why you want (or don’t want) sex. Maybe you’re really horny the week before your period starts, or maybe sex is painful at that point of your cycle. Maybe slow, sensual sex makes you feel connected with your partner. Or maybe you feel closest to them when the sex is rough. Keeping track of what happens and how you feel during sex can make these patterns clearer.

3. Sex journaling might make it easier to communicate with partners.

Sex can be a loaded conversation topic for partnered people, says Pamela Joy, M.A., a counseling psychologist and Somatica Institute–certified sex and relationship coach. Some of the most eye-opening discussions for couples who go to sex therapy involve what they did or didn’t like about their most recent encounters. This isn’t surprising. There’s significant societal pressure, especially for cis women who have sex with cis men, to be coy about sex. Fear around hurting a partner’s feelings can keep couples from being open about their likes and dislikes too. “I often find that without that talk, they would never really know what about their sex was exciting or fun,” Joy says.

Whether you plan to share it with your partners or not, writing a sex journal gets that conversation started. If you know what you like (and don’t like) during sex, you’ll have an easier time talking about it.

Here are a few ways you can use your sex journal.

While there are structured sex journals you can buy, such as Sex: An Erotic Journal for Sexual Inspiration and Exploration (Amazon, $12) or A Sex Journal for Couples (A Sex Journal, $26), it’s easy to start your own. “The beautiful thing about journaling is that there’s no right or wrong way to journal,” Francis says. Your sex journal can be whatever you want it to be.

1. Use personal-reflection questions.

When you’re getting started, it can help to have a list of questions in mind as you’re freewriting. You might ask yourself what you liked most about the last time you had sex. Or you might think about what felt like it was on the edge of your comfort zone. Other questions can include: What else would you have wanted to happen? Was there a moment when your partner said or did something that sparked a turn-on, fantasy, or dream? There are tons of other questions you might ask yourself about how you felt during sex. Feel free to make up your own questions.

2. Write about your dreams and fantasies.

A sex journal doesn’t have to focus on sex you’ve had with other people. You can also write about masturbation, fantasies, or even dreams. All types of sex, even sex you only have in your mind, can teach you something about your desire. Just be careful not to put too much stock in those dreams and fantasies as something you actually need to do even if you’re not sure you want to. If you frequently fantasize about a threesome, for instance, maybe that’s something you want to try, but it might not be. “The reality of a fantasy is that we can have this experience in our dreams, or in our thoughts, but we might not really want it to come true,” Hochberger says. Don’t feel that you have to live all of your fantasies.

3. Journal with your partner or alone.

One of the most popular sex journals you can buy is made specifically for couples, but a joint journal might not be the answer for everyone. “One of the challenging things about doing it together is being honest,” Joy says. When you’re writing a journal just for yourself, it feels like a private inner world. But if you’re journaling with your partner, you might lose some of that security and be less honest about your desires or experiences. If you feel you can be honest in a joint journal, go for it. Francis suggests partners keep the book in a neutral space accessible for everyone and decide how regularly you want to use your journal. You should also determine how you want to read the journal together, she says. Or if it’s easier, each partner might keep their own sex journal and share what they’ve learned about themselves whenever they’re ready.

4. Create a sexual menu.

“Imagine you go to an Italian restaurant once a week, and every time you go, you get chicken parm,” Cooper says. “I love chicken parm. Chicken parm is delicious. But sometimes I might want a little eggplant rollatini.” Just as eating chicken parmesan once a week can get stale, having the same type of sex (in the same place every time) can be redundant, depending on what you like. In these cases, therapists often have clients create sexual menus, and this is something you can do in your journal.