There was a period in my life when I was seeing a white therapist. I was 21, stressed about my first full-time fashion magazine job, and I’d started experiencing an increase in anxiety attacks. She wasn’t my first choice, not even my second, but almost all the Black female therapists I reached out to did not accept my insurance or any insurance. Still, I shared, I listened, and I learned during our few brief months together but I never felt that I could truly open up about my experiences as a young Black woman dealing with my Black family, Black friends, and the Black men I dated. When I did bring up race and its impact on my life, she never dismissed it, she actually acknowledged it. Yet, I wanted more than that. I wanted to know that she had already recognized and experienced these feelings too.

At the time, I thought formal therapy was the only solution that could support me in my time of need. My hesitancy to feel comfortable around my white therapist made the experience seem useless, so I just stopped going—something many Black women can relate to. 

“We don’t trust the healthcare system, for good reason,” says Jade Kearney Founder and CEO of She Matters, a digital health platform for Black moms. “It’s historically not served us well. Our bodies have been violated, our rights have been violated. So without trust, we’re not going to be honest about what we’re really experiencing or we’re just not going to go.” With only two percent of psychiatrists being Black and Black physicians only making up five percent of the medical field, there are large numbers of us who will not have access to Black healthcare professionals on our wellness journey.

And speaking of wellness: The $4.2 trillion global industry that’s typically characterized by high-paid influencers, self-care retreats, juice bars, group hikes, and luxurious mental health centers has not always been something I felt comfortable with, either. In fact, it was something I referred to as “white people stuff”. If you Google “wellness influencers,” the dozens of photos that pop up are, truly, overwhelmingly white. White women doing yoga. White women smiling over green juice. White women posed serenely with plants. If you’re a white woman looking for advice about your hair, skin, mental health, lifestyle changes, or self-care, you have a seemingly endless stream of content at your fingertips.

It’s a different story for women of color. If you’re a young Black woman, there are far fewer opportunities to find the type of beautifully curated content on Instagram related to our hair type, skin type, or overall well-being. There are far fewer opportunities to feel seen in the wellness world. The wellness influencers that do cater to Black women have served as a source of refuge and learning for Black women like me, who seek out their knowledge in lieu of or sometimes in conjunction with working with their personal mental health professionals. 

Yet, despite their impact, the journey to finding these influencers isn’t as simple as a quick Google search. These influencers often don’t appear prominently on mainstream wellness platforms, don’t have multi-million dollar sponsorships, and are not given the same attention by the media. The lack of visual representation of Black women in wellness had previously discouraged me—and others—from fully exploring what it meant to be well and the various ways that it could be achieved.

“I was surrounded by all-white everything during my first several years of practicing yoga,” says Lauren Ash, the founder of Black Girl in Om. “I became a yoga instructor and started BGIO because I wanted Black women to know that yoga is for us, that wellness is our birthright, that self-care, self-love, and self-empowerment are things that we do.”

“I think a lot of times when black women go into spaces where they don’t see themselves, we don’t fully release, we don’t fully breathe,” says Deun Ivory, BGIO’s artistic director and founder of The Body a Home for Love, a community that uses wellness to empower black sexual-assault survivors. “In order to really practice mindfulness and be in a space where you can prioritize your healing and prioritize your self-care, it’s important that you feel seen; it’s important that you feel celebrated and heard. You can only do that with a woman who looks like you.”

The best guided sleep meditation audio will help relax your mind and body and facilitate a faster onset and duration of sleep. Sounds good, no? Worries and fears always seem to creep into our minds in a major way right as we settle into bed. But if you’re tired of waking up with anxiety, there is something you can do to combat that. 

“Any meditation that is focused on sleep will generally be helpful,” says Abhinav Singh, M.D., and the medical director of the Indiana Sleep Center. Although, the doctor adds, “not trying too hard is the key.” 

It’s cause and effect, simply put. According to Dr. Singh, most guided sleep meditation promotes relaxation, which in turn helps anchor a busy mind: “Anytime you can achieve this, you will be in a better position for allowing sleep to come to you.”

There are a lot of different sleep apps out there, but guided meditation for anxiety is a unique—and incredibly low-lift—way to try and get a better night’s rest. So how do you choose the best guided sleep meditation for you without, as Singh says, trying too hard? 

Here are 10 of the most recommended, highly rated, and accessible ones. Relaxation meditation apps can be helpful for a variety of things, but the ones below will be especially useful around bedtime. Sweet dreams.

Mindful

The recommendation for mindful.org comes from Tamara Teragawa, registered yoga teacher and lead yoga teacher for Xponential+. Before bed, she’s a fan of self-guided mindfulness meditation and short body-scan meditation (a practice that brings attention to your whole body as a way to focus the mind). She finds both on the site, but here is a free example of a night meditation created for sleep specifically.

“Good sleep is just as important as eating healthy and exercising regularly to achieve optimal health,” Teragawa explains. “When your body tells you it needs rest, slow down and make a solid sleep routine priority, and notice how much better you feel and perform in other areas of your life.”

In addition to the bedtime meditation, she recommends also exercising, getting into a bedtime routine, and avoiding your phone and television before you hit the hay.

Headspace

Teragawa also recommends Headspace for deep sleep guided meditation. There’s a 12-minute one you can sample here.

“These types of meditations can be a short, three- to five-minute routine or stretch out to 45 minutes or longer, depending on what you are looking for,” she says. “They allow you to slow down, connect to your breath and body, and recognize what you need to truly help relax.”

A free trial for Headspace lasts two weeks if you select the annual membership for $69.99. A monthly membership, which comes with a seven-day trial, costs $12.99 each month.

Calm

Calm is a free-to-download app that offers a free weeklong trial membership and then costs $69.99 a year or $14.99 a month. (There are also lifetime memberships available for a onetime fee of $399.99.)

“When you have a life-changing event like COVID, there’s fear, no control, uncertainty. All of these emotions are so extreme that you need to be able to cope somehow,” she said. “So people who sort of enjoyed shopping before as a happy thing, now it was their escape mechanism.” 

For Kate*, a 30-year-old working in the fashion industry in Philadelphia, her shopping habits started in her senior year of high school with her first job. From there, they never really stopped, pandemic be damned. 

“My salary has increased since [high school], but I think the total percent of my disposable income spent on clothing has remained about the same, which is dark,” she said. “I make excuses for myself now that the clothes are better produced in small batches or I’m buying on Poshmark, but the impulse is still the same.”

She purchases on average about two items a week, by her estimate, which she admits “doesn’t sound bad.” But a glance around her apartment reveals folded piles of clothes on the floor and in the closet. She jokingly calls herself a “hoarder.”

Part of the motivation for women like Kate is rooted in adrenaline— it’s the thrill of the hunt, finding something unexpected, and the thrill of possession, owning something interesting and spotted only by you. There is a creativity to it for Kate, a desire to recreate something expensive or designer with thrifted items or discount treasures from off-price retailers. 

And on the days when she finds something so perfect — the right size, the right style, the right brand — it does feel meant to be. On a recent shopping trip, Kate found never-worn Cole Haan slingback kitten heels priced at $4.99. 

“They were just my size, they’re within my budget — what are the odds? I can’t walk away now,” she said. “On the few occasions that I do walk away, 75% of the time it is the right decision, but there is that nagging 25% where you go back and it’ll never be there again. I just have to take this as a sign from the universe that we were destined to be together.” 

Every so often, Kate challenges herself to take a week or two off from buying. Inevitably, something always comes up — a tough week, boredom, or a looming occasion. 

Elle, a 23-year old who lives in Los Angeles and works in the tech industry, started to buy herself little gifts during the pandemic as a way to cheer herself up. She felt excited by the prospect of knowing a package was waiting for her or chatting with salespeople once stores opened up. Plus, buying clothes gave her a sense of identity. 

“When I go shopping, it makes me feel powerful and important,” she said. “It makes me feel like I’m put together and spending money on this thing that I want. It makes me feel like I’m gifting myself with something and I’ve ‘made it.’” 

She’s now able to take a step back and correlate her purchases to times of anxiety and a lack of self-esteem. Now that she makes more money, she says she’s actually spending less. 

But she also knows how quickly that itch can go from one purchase to a flood. At the start of the pandemic, she was buying so much that she hid packages from her roommates, not wanting them to see how much she spent each week.

It was the lack of control that left her feeling helpless. Even when she entered a store looking for something specific, she inevitably left with a few more things not on her list. Staying within a set budget was difficult. 

Rattle feels we’re in a specific moment when it comes to overshopping. She calls it a “perfect storm” of three factors — big retail companies mastering psychology, like sending repeat emails the second an item gets added to an online shopping cart; social media feeds us constant ideas of who we should be and who we’re not; and a largely cashless society removes us from the money actually available in our bank accounts. 

“We’re all vulnerable. You’re hungry, you’re tired, you’re dejected, you shop,” Rattle said. “Compulsivity comes when it just becomes tough so often that it becomes a behavior.” 

“The breath work pattern used in the 4-7-8 technique can be a great practice coupled with a bedtime routine to decrease the stressors of the day and its impact on the body and mind, which can allow for a deeper, more uninterrupted sleep,” says Marie.

Just remember, it’s all a process, so it might involve patience and regular practice before it works. “This technique should be performed twice a day to see great results and to cultivate a regular practice that can be more useful as a prevention tool,” says Garcia. “I have practiced the 4-7-8 technique when I have woken up in the middle of the night and within minutes I have felt calmer and ready to go back to sleep.” 

While there are many supposed hacks to falling asleep, the bedtime benefits of deep breathing are rooted in physiology, specifically how the brain responds to increased oxygen levels. “The combination of saying ‘think, feel, choose’ and breathing deeply results in increased oxygen in the frontotemporal lobe, which can lead to increased connectivity between the amygdala and frontal lobe,” explains Dr. Leaf. “This connectivity brings a balance of energy into the left and right sides of the brain, which can help calm anxiety and help to improve the sleep cycle by facilitating the release of melatonin and making it easier to enter into a state of relaxation.” 

What are other deep breathing benefits?

As we’ve mentioned, 4-7-8 breathing is often cited as a way to help reduce anxiety. According to Dr. Leaf, people are often dysregulated when they encounter stressful or triggering stimuli, and the body can often occupy one of three states: fight, freeze, or flight mode. “There are many experiences that can lead to this heightened state, including trauma, a traumatic brain injury, or any mental health stressors,” she says. “When we feel distressed, we often can’t think clearly until we calm down our brains and bodies, which is what makes deep breathing so great—it can have a very soothing effect on the mind, brain, and body, which in turn can help us get into a mental state where we can get to the root of our stressors.” 

Deep breathing can also be a way to increase feel-good hormones, a.k.a. endorphins. “When we pause our breathing and hold it in, we are filling our cells with oxygen,” says Dr. Leaf. “As we force the air out, we force oxygen into our brains. This increases the amount of oxygen that flows throughout our bodies in our blood. This oxygen goes to the heart and lungs and increases the number of endorphins in the brain.” 

While the method is used by many as a way to prepare mentally for a stressful event or to prevent the onset of anxiety, the experts say it can also be helpful during a panic attack. “4-7-8 breathing allows people to feel in control of their breath,” says Garcia. “This technique can be performed during an anxiety episode and hyperventilation. Long and deep exhalations trigger the vagus nerve and calm the mind and body almost immediately.”

Another benefit of this approach to mindfulness is that it is simple, subtle—and free. It can be performed while passing time in a busy airport or at a work desk in between meetings. And it doesn’t require a yoga mat or a slew of meditation apps. Plus, it’s easy to remember: 4-7-8. The simple counted approach provides structure to the exercise, so one can properly focus on their breathing. 

However, this approach might not work for everyone, as all our bodies and limits are different. “I personally do not teach any techniques that are based on counting,” says Marie, “as everyone has a different lung capacity and the focus on being able to hold or expand the breath for a certain amount of time most times makes the participants be in their head more than their body and trusting their body for the duration of the practice.” 

Taking a cue from Willow Smith, model Bella Hadid is opening up about her nonlinear mental health journey and how social media isn’s a true reflection of her life.

In an Instagram carousel posted on Tuesday, November 9, Hadid shared a clip of Smith talking about art and insecurity, writing in the caption, “I Love you and your words. It made me feel a little less alone and that’s why I’d like to post this.”

In the video on the first slide, Smith says, “That feeling of thinking that you’re good enough or being insecure about your art is natural, but at the same time, I feel like it’s taught. All humans are different, every single human has something so special and unique to offer. And people forget that everyone is basically feeling the same way: lost, confused, not really sure why they’re here. That anxiety, like, everyone is feeling that- – and trying to cover it up in some way. We’re gonna come together in our flaws. In our insecurities, in our joy, in our happiness, and accept it all as beautiful and natural.”

Bella Hadid explained that this description rang true to her current feelings. Adding nine teary-eyed selfies to the post, she wrote, “This is pretty much my everyday, every night, for a few years now. Social media is not real. For anyone struggling, please remember that. Sometimes all you’ve gotta hear is that you’re not alone. So from me to you, you’re not alone. I love you, I see you, and I hear you. Self-help and mental illness/chemical imbalance is not linear and it is almost like a flowing rollercoaster of obstacles… it has its ups and downs, and side to sides. But I want you to know, there is always light at the end of the tunnel, and the rollercoaster always comes to a complete stop at some point.”

She continued, “(There is always room for it to start up again, but for me it’s always been nice to know that even if it’s a few days, weeks, or months, it does get better, to some extent, even for a moment. ) It took me a long time to get that in my mind, but I’ve had enough breakdowns and burnouts to know this: if you work hard enough on yourself, spending time alone to understand your traumas, triggers, joys, and routine, you will always be able to understand or learn more about your own pain and how to handle it. Which is all that you can ask of yourself. Anyways. Not sure why but it feels harder and harder to not share my truth on here. Thank you for seeing me and thank you for listening. I love you.”

Research shows that discriminatory digital ads have skewed housing opportunities and job postings by race, socioeconomic status, and gender (making it likelier for women to see jobs with, say, an entertainment or domestic focus—some of which may be lower-paying). Credit card companies have also targeted ads by age, excluding younger demographics. And online advertisers have exploited health issues like addiction, underage drinking, and teen vaping for profit. Even something as innocent-seeming as your level of extraversion can be used by marketers to boost product sales.  

“There are endless examples of how privacy risk [turns into] discrimination risk,” says Wachter. “You can lose out on opportunities without being aware, and you have very little protection. It’s hard to control what people learn about you because you don’t know what your data says, so you can’t fully understand the consequences. If you don’t know something bad happened, what remedy do you have?”

Turns out that gut sense of unease you get when you blindly accept another app’s terms is grounded in cold, hard reality. Whether it’s a twinge of anxiety when you spot a creepily targeted ad or a flare of anger at headlines about another tech giant’s infractions, our growing awareness of personal data violations (and the associated risks) can weigh us down by diminishing the emotional security that comes with privacy.

But that doesn’t mean there’s nothing we can do to protect our data—and our mental health. The first step, say experts, is not surrendering in the face of what might feel like a losing battle. “We need to start putting our money where our mouth is when it comes to privacy,” says Aboujaoude. “Appreciate it as a human right worth defending, and avoid the defeatist trap that suggests nothing can be done. Think of your mental health: Giving up control of the details that make us who we are is disempowering and psychologically destabilizing.”

Short of going off the grid (yeah, right), there are actions you can take to offset the negative consequences of digital privacy invasions, from low-level everyday anxiety to systemic injustices like discrimination and exploitation. These steps might seem small, but they matter.

Personalize your settings to protect yourself

“Very few of us take full advantage of the privacy features offered by our favorite platforms,” says Aboujaoude. When websites or programs offer you the choice to customize your privacy settings—often when you sign up or download an update—take the time to opt out of unnecessarily invasive features. For example, many apps allow the option to enable geolocation services only when the app is in use, versus all the time. And by disabling something as simple as Gmail’s “always display external images” setting, you can prevent email trackers from detecting when you open messages.

Clean up your digital footprint

Have you been meaning to delete some old, embarrassing tweets or Insta posts? Sure, once you’ve publicly posted something online, it’s hard to remove entirely (thanks to automated archives), but you can make it less accessible. Carefully consider whether it’s worth having any public social media profiles—you can always start a separate, protected account for private content. Periodically review downloaded apps, programs and add-ons, and uninstall those you don’t use. Regularly clear your browser cache and cookies. Sign up for an identity theft protection program (offered free through some banks and credit check services) that will alert you to data and password breaches.

Educate yourself—and join the conversation

“The disequilibrium between the individual and big tech is so vast that this can no longer be a private citizen’s battle,” says Aboujaoude. “We need legislation to help us.” Laws that protect digital privacy vary by state and are in different stages of legislation, so it’s worth checking to see what’s in the works where you live, and reaching out to your local representatives to express support or dissent. The more of us who get involved in the conversation, the better. “We need to get people old and young interested in privacy protection,” adds Wachter. “As people find out about data misuses, they start caring more and voting with their feet. Everyone has something to lose.”

During a time where workplace rules and boundaries are constantly shifting as many of us navigate new realities of remote work or lives as digital nomads, Simone and Naomi are also examples of how Black women are continuing to impact the way we all push back against toxic work environments and the systems that create them.

“I worked for a very big sports media company. As a Black woman in that company I was expected to be on all of the time. It’s almost as if I was placed in certain positions to compete with my coworkers,” says Krissy Brierre-Davis, a business operations consultant. “While my white counterpart was praised for the bare minimum, I worked 24/7 and never received acknowledgement for a job well done. I was burned out.” Ultimately, she decided to leave to save herself, her family and her sanity. “Unfortunately many don’t have the ability to do that, but I knew that if I didn’t I risked losing far more than I was willing to,” she says.

There is a growing movement for the radical prioritization of rest among Black women. Community healers like The Nap Ministry and Erika Totten remind us of the importance of rest. It’s not a trend, but a birthright—a revolutionary stance in itself. Armed with decades worth of experiences, resources, and tools that lead people to liberation, their work calls in the past, present, and the power of rest. “When you’re resting, it’s restoring your body so that you do have enough capacity to move on towards your vision,” says Totten via her #ToLiveUnchained Sessions on Facebook Live. Or as Tricia Hersey, affectionately known as The Nap Bishop of The Nap Ministry, puts it:“There is never enough rest and leisure for those with a legacy of enslavement. Claim it.”

There has been a growing awareness of the importance of talking about mental health in the sports community in recent years. But Biles’ powerful actions in Tokyo also shine a light on the importance of recognizing the mental health burdens Black women carry. In the Black community, anxiety and depression often go untreated. That means even while working, many of us are suffering in silence and you wouldn’t know it unless you asked—see Osaka’s confession of dealing with depression since 2018 as a prime example. “Taking one’s rest is so vital and revolutionary for Black women because every single day we wake up and proverbially build Rome, often without the proper tools needed or support necessary to solidify a foundation,” says Ru Johnson, cultural strategist at Roux Black. “That takes work. Emotional work, physical work, spiritual work. Black women are working. Every day. At every moment.”

Robertson, the business coach, was recently diagnosed with premenstrual dysphoric disorder—a condition that causes severe anxiety and depression every month. As an entrepreneur, a wife and a mom, she had to make the decision to cut back in her business so that she could prioritize herself. “I still would like to hear more people talk about how protecting your mental health isn’t a weakness. Just because you need a break or choose to remove yourself for the betterment of your mental health doesn’t mean that you’re lacking anything,” she says. “That should be something that is praised and not pitied.”

The current cultural conversation around Black and women rest is also revolutionary because it ties into an even bigger discussion around what we need in order to strengthen our communities. While Black women are resting and being examples of liberation by prioritizing their wellbeing, they’re also ensuring the betterment of our world. “What do we do to hold our women and girls up when the rest of the world won’t? How do we make it our responsibility to love and protect each other?” says Evans-Clark. “And not just those of us on Olympic stages, but Black women with and without jobs, the unhoused, Black queer women and femmes. We have some questions to answer within our own homes.”

Stepping away from the expectations of the world may be Biles’ most important legacy. She’s not letting anyone rule her. She is winning. And for the rest of us, Johnson leaves us with this question: “I’d like for folks to ask themselves, What can I do to make life easier for Black women who are carrying so much?”

Melissa Kimble is a Memphis based cultural writer and strategist, writing and building at the intersection of culture, community, and wellness.

Meghan Markle and Prince Harry have been longtime advocates for mental health awareness, so when Naomi Osaka withdrew from the French Open—and later Wimbledon—to take care of her own well-being, the Duchess of Sussex was among many to reach out to the tennis star.

In a personal essay published in Time on July 8, Osaka opened up further about her decision to remove herself from the Grand Slam tournaments to “take care of myself mentally” after being penalized for missing a press conference at the French Open. 

One positive lesson from the experience? “It has become apparent to me that literally everyone either suffers from issues related to their mental health or knows someone who does,” Osaka wrote. “The number of messages I received from such a vast cross-section of people confirms that. I think we can almost universally agree that each of us is a human being and subject to feelings and emotions.”

Some of those empathetic well-wishers include Michelle Obama, Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps, and, yes, Meghan Markle. “I want to thank everyone who supported me. There are too many to name, but I want to start with my family and friends, who have been amazing,” Osaka wrote. “There is nothing more important than those relationships. I also want to thank those in the public eye who have supported, encouraged, and offered such kind words. Michelle Obama, Michael Phelps, Steph Curry, Novak Djokovic, Meghan Markle, to name a few.”

In her essay, Osaka advocates for her fellow athletes’ rights “to take a mental break from media scrutiny on a rare occasion without being subject to strict sanctions.”

She wrote, “I communicated that I wanted to skip press conferences at Roland Garros to exercise self-care and preservation of my mental health. I stand by that. Athletes are humans. Tennis is our privileged profession, and of course, there are commitments off the court that coincide. But I can’t imagine another profession where a consistent attendance record (I have missed one press conference in my seven years on tour) would be so harshly scrutinized.”

Ultimately, Osaka felt she was pressured to discuss her battle with depression and denied the privacy that she deserves. “In any other line of work, you would be forgiven for taking a personal day here and there, so long as it’s not habitual,” she wrote. “You wouldn’t have to divulge your most personal symptoms to your employer; there would likely be HR measures protecting at least some level of privacy.” She added that she didn’t feel believed by those in charge of the tournament.

“I do not wish that on anyone and hope that we can enact measures to protect athletes, especially the fragile ones,” she continued. “I also do not want to have to engage in a scrutiny of my personal medical history ever again. So I ask the press for some level of privacy and empathy next time we meet.”

That will likely be later this month, when Osaka competes in the 2021 Olympics in Tokyo. “I could not be more excited to play in Tokyo,” she wrote. “An Olympic Games itself is special, but to have the opportunity to play in front of the Japanese fans is a dream come true. I hope I can make them proud.”

Mental wellness and getting a good night’s sleep are inextricably intertwined. That’s the philosophy of Camila Cabello, the chart topping, platinum recording artist set to star in a new adaptation of Cinderella out later this year. “Circadian rhythm is a real thing,” she says. “I try to not go to sleep after 10:30. When I go to sleep later than midnight, I tend to get worse quality sleep, even if I sleep the same amount.”

But unwinding after a long day, especially with an inconsistent schedule, is easier said than done. That’s when Cabello turns to Calm, the meditation app she’s partnered with to release her first original audio series called “Breathe Into It.” Over 13 sessions, Cabello dives into her own journey with mental wellness and the importance of mindfulness in her sleep routine. (When she can’t sleep, her go-to is Tamara Levitt’s guided meditation on the Calm app.)

Podcasts actually play a big role in Cabello’s sleep routine. “When I can’t sleep, I will put on a cooking podcast called ‘Home Cooking’—something neutral that engages me but also doesn’t make me emotional, so I can get tired again and go back to sleep if I want to,” she says. “There’s also ‘Poetry Unbound,’ which reads a poem and dissects it. The host is incredible.”

With her crazy schedule, we asked Cabello for the full breakdown of how she unwinds and gets into a calm headspace before bed.

The night time skincare trick I swear by

An uplifting and depuffing face roller—I put it in my freezer during the day. 

I sleep in…

A big t-shirt and some shorts.

What’s currently on my nightstand

My iPad, the books I’m currently reading—Sapiens by Yuval Noah Harari and Three Women by Lisa Taddeo—and my hydro flask.

Before bed I…

I watch the “Great British Baking Show” lately before bed.

The bedtime investments that are totally worth it

An essential oil diffuser with oils and a sound machine that plays white noise.

I spent most of last year missing my friends. I posted nostalgic throwbacks on Instagram, scheduled Zooms with BFFs, and routinely complained to my fiancé about how much I yearned for the before times. “I can’t wait for things to go back to normal,” I chanted every night as he brushed his teeth.

And now, after the social hiatus felt around the world, a return to normalcy is finally around the corner. A reported 64% of all Americans have received at least one dose of a Covid-19 vaccine and, if social media is any indication, people are gearing up for a summer of mingling. “Vax girl summer,” as it’s been dubbed, is the new hot girl summer. Vax girl (aka shot girl) summer is a season not unlike the summer before your freshman year of college. It’s a state of mind that screams, “let’s hang out!” with a little bit of “YOLO” mixed in for good measure. After a year of isolation and pandemic panic, stress-free socializing should sound like heaven. But many people are finding themselves experiencing a form of social anxiety — even around their closest friends.

My expectations collided with our new normal last month when I finally went to dinner with friends from college for the first time in more than a year. I hit the town with a pep in my step and called my mom on my way to dinner to inform her that I was not only going to see friends ~IRL~ but also  that I was wearing a real bra. Things were looking up!

But soon after the appetizers arrived, I found myself straining to focus on conversation topics. In a room full of well-dressed humans, I suddenly felt anxious about my standard jeans and T-shirt combo. I became convinced I needed an entirely new wardrobe. At one point I found myself describing a TikTok video at length that no one had seen. I felt drained by the end of the night. I had absolutely not emanated effortless vax girl energy or whatever.

Apparently, I am not alone in feeling this way. Lots of young women I spoke to told me it’s not that they’re unhappy about seeing friends again, but they’re clearly out of practice. 

Or as Marissa, who is 29 and lives in Chicago, put it: “I feel like an athlete returning from an injury—I know all the plays but I forgot how to dribble the ball.”

Sophie, 28, from Toronto: “I’m more hyper self-aware in the presence of others now. It feels kind of crippling and makes me self-conscious.”

And Molly, 32, from Los Angeles: “The big group dinners I used to love now leave me feeling super drained. I find I don’t have the same energy or desire to be around people for long periods of time.”

This post-pandemic paralysis isn’t surprising in a professional or dating context, but it can be jarring to feel weird around our best friends. According to Adam Smiley Poswolsky, friendship expert and author of Friendship in the Age of Loneliness, the first step in navigating this unease is acceptance. Whether you’ve been living solo, shacked up with a partner, back home with your parents, and/or taking care of your kids, we’ve all been existing in individual bubbles. Acknowledging that we’ve been in different places and dealing with our own priorities is a big part of accepting where we’re at now.

Smiley’s next suggestion for approaching friendships this summer is to give others what he calls a pandemic pass if communication has been sparse during the last year. “We may not have been the best at staying in touch, and that’s okay. We can all give each other a pass and look at this as an opportunity for a friendship reset.”

I obviously left my pandemic passes at home when I went to dinner with my friends. Because we had navigated transitions before, like graduating from college and living in different cities, I expected that we would essentially pick up exactly where we’d left off more than a year earlier. But I hadn’t factored in the larger impact COVID had on our collective dynamic.

Smiley says that simple, direct communication can lead to a better outcome when maneuvering awkward situations with friends. In other words, I could have talked a little bit less about TikTok and a little bit more about how much I’d missed connecting with my (non-Internet) friends and asked them questions.