So yes, I was confused when men passed on sex with me, an adult woman with no open sores or visible rashes. Comedies exaggerate for comic or dramatic effect—we know this. But plenty of people believe there is more than a grain of truth here. The general assumption is that male desire is straightforward and constant, while female desire is emotional and complicated, a hungry athlete versus an aloof house cat. How else can we conceptualize sex when our sources of data as children are things that turn on men on the screen: the wind, women chewing, fruit, fast cars, certain animals, pillows, and bare feet. Or the magazines we read as teens that warned us to treat the male body delicately, like one of those children who is allergic to sunlight and air. Anything, like eye contact, or a whisper, could cause them to ejaculate.

Though the modern-day conversation about desire has grown more inclusive and less taboo, we still promote these ideas through entertainment, teach them to children, and repeat them to each other. Our weirdo assumptions about gender and desire are propagated in schools—in only half of all states is sex education required to be accurate. 

The fact is that deeply held cultural beliefs about male vs. female sexuality just don’t bear out in scientific research. “The proposed ‘fact’ that men have higher desire than women is, well, a myth,” writes Dr. Sarah Hunter-Murray, a psychologist who specializes in family and marital therapy. In her book Not Always in the Mood: The New Science of Men, Sex, and Relationships, she debunks the idea that male desire is generally higher than women’s.

“What we’re seeing, study after study, is that in heterosexual partnered relationships, men and women are equally likely to be the partner with higher desire,” Hunter-Murray says. She cites three studies that asked heterosexual couples in romantic relationships to report on their sex lives. In each study, about a quarter of the couples said that the male partner had higher desire, about a quarter said that the female partner had higher desire, and about half said that they were evenly matched. It’s true that plenty of women have low desire and plenty of men have high desire, Hunter-Murray says. But we over-focus on them, forgetting the people who are on the other side of the bell curve of desire. Consider this 2011 study of 133 heterosexual couples: “Men and women were equally likely to be the member of the couple with lower sexual desire relative to their partner,” researchers found. 

In fact, some researchers have made the case that female desire is generally wilder than male desire. “It’s frustrating to hear it repeated over and over that men have stronger [libidos] than women do,” sex researcher Meredith Chivers told anthropologist Wednesday Martin, for Martin’s 2018 book Untrue: Why Nearly Everything We Believe About Women, Lust, and Infidelity Is Wrong and How the New Science Can Set Us Free. Chivers added: “Let’s consider that maybe we’ve been measuring desire incorrectly.” Chivers pointed to a study that found that women respond sexually to a wider range of sexual images than men do. Women had sexual responses to images of various gender parings having sex, and even to Bobobos having sex, while male response was more limited and predictable. “Women are, on some level, super freaks,” Martin writes. 

It really does not matter why they are doing it. It has to stop. Talking at length to a stranger about their thoughts and feelings is a service. If you’re good at it, people will pay a lot of money. You can monetize your skill by becoming a bartender, therapist, or sex worker. But if you let him, some guy named Brad will keep you locked in a 24-hour Brad news cycle, plugging away on a back-and-forth about his weekend that he considers “banter.”

We have to stop lavishing total strangers with the full scope of our creative writing abilities. We must ask ourselves—are we laying the groundwork for dating, sex, and adventure? Or are we embarking on a mutual five-year journal? “It’s just small talk, it’s boring, it’s not building to anything, it’s not revealing anything about you,” says Ury. And if you do end up, by some miracle, meeting up after all that chatting, “even if the person is great, the person doesn’t match the fantasy of who you thought they were, and then you’re disappointed.”

She recommends no more than four or five days of chatting on the app to establish whether the person meets what she calls “your minimum threshold of connection.” One of Ury’s favorite tricks—when the person is about to tell you something, say, “Wait, I’d like to hear that story, but I want to hear it from you in person.” You can cut out a lot of back and forth scheduling, she suggests, by saying something like, “‘What are you doing on Thursday at seven? I really want to try this new tapas bar in Greenwich Village.” Whatever it is, she says, “Say a specific place, a specific time, and a specific activity, and then the person can respond to that, versus just saying ‘Hey, do you want to grab drinks?’”

This date doesn’t even have to be in person—especially as COVID numbers spike again. “A video date is a really low pressure way to have a vibe check. See if you like the way they look, if you like the sound of their voice, if you can maintain a conversation,” Ury points out.

The flip side of this problem is the occasional person—often a straight man—who has “not looking for a pen pal” on his bio. Maybe he’s just jaded from bad experiences, but maybe he is trying to bully you out of asking basic questions before you invest your time in him. Sadly, this man is also bad.

Thinking about all of the people who will be drawn into pen pal relationships this year, I feel like a grizzled old military commander, looking at troop movement on a map, muttering, “I have seen too many precious hours lost to some guy who works in finance and is probably not responding because he is on cocaine!” Please remember: A person who doesn’t want to enjoy the pleasure of your company in real life is not worth spending time on. And for every person who isn’t messaging you back, there are countless people who would love to meet you. Friday, the weekend, even dreaded, villainous Monday—whatever day it is, you’re worth it.

Jenny Singer is a staff writer for Glamour. You can follow her on Twitter. 

Even Drew Barrymore is frustrated with her matches on dating apps. 

The beloved star, entrepreneur, director, producer, and talk show host revealed Monday that she hasn’t had the best of luck on the apps, even though she’s literally Drew Barrymore. “I will tell you this—and don’t feel sorry for me cause it is just what happens to all us women out there—no one has connected with me,” she said after being asked by an audience member if she used social media to research potential dates. 

Luckily, Barrymore has perspective and patience. “It makes me feel like such a loser and then you are like ‘it is hard out there.’ It is hard out there for everybody,” she said, adding, “It is hard in person. It is hard on dating apps. It is vulnerable, but you keep trying.” Pardon the upcoming cheesy joke, but finding love takes time…you might even have to go on…50 first dates.

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Drew Barrymore actually started swiping again because of a certain sexy Netflix drama. “I got back on a dating app during Bridgerton,” Barrymore told the show’s stars back in January. “I was like, ‘I’m not dead, I’m not dead.’ For me, that was a big step.”

Nearly a full year later, the Never Been Kissed star shared her holistic approach to life and realistic expectations for relationships. “You fill your life up with so much that [dating] becomes secondary…I do not think my happiness is on this dating app,” she said. “I think a cherry on top to my life at some convenient, cool, inspiring, and unexpected time might be in there, but that is all it is.” Literally could not agree more.

That said, men of New York City, what on Earth are you thinking when you don’t swipe on an actual Charlie’s Angel? If Drew can’t work these apps, is there any hope for the rest of us? Sorry, not the point, continuing to believe in love without waiting for it to give our lives meaning.

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That is why, especially early in a relationship, Felicity believes you shouldn’t shy away from these conversations. “I’d rather find out early that we are not compatible,” she explains. Felicity says that sometimes when she tells men she doesn’t want children, they assume she means now. “The first time I told someone ‘never,’ it really caused them to look at me differently, a combination of suspicion, sadness, and defensiveness. I was suddenly other.”

Jerra says that is one reason why she didn’t disclose her decision to not have children in past relationships. “I’d been conditioned to believe that I would chase men away if I told them I didn’t want children up front,” she says. “By withholding this information, I realize now that it only made things worse.” Now she is very transparent, though she doesn’t feel it’s necessary to discuss on the first date. “It’s not something I’ll bring up on my own, but I am transparent and honest about wanting to remain child-free.”

There are also communities, especially online, for child-free women who are navigating the dating field to help remind them that their feelings are valid, such as We Are Childfree and The Not Mom. Karen Malone Wright, founder of The Not Mom, recommends that child-free women disclose their decision on the first or second date, and no later than the third. “Don’t wait until one or both of you are emotionally committed to have this critical conversation,” she explains. Also, she adds, don’t assume that a potential love interest who is also child-free is automatically The One. “It’s risky to assume that just because a person says they agree with your child-free choice that he or she is being honest with you and with himself or herself. As in any relationship, get to really know the other person before committing your heart, your time, and your life.”

Though those risks are there, that shouldn’t discourage anyone from pursuing romantic love while staying true to themselves. When Jennifer realized she didn’t want kids, it was a week into her engagement. “When I was sure it wasn’t just a passing thought, I brought up to my fiancé that I was having doubts about wanting children,” she says. “He was surprised and taken aback by my admission. I remember a brief silence and him saying, ‘But you’ve always wanted kids. We’ve always talked about having them.’” Jennifer thought it would be the end of their relationship. They’ve been married for six years now—and counting.

She encourages other child-free women to be just as open and honest about their choices. “You might be tempted to tell someone you would consider having children because you don’t want to jeopardize a good connection or relationship,” she says. “But you would be doing a disservice to them and to yourself if you weren’t honest. If you change yourself to please someone else, especially something as big as deciding to have children when it’s not something you really want for yourself, you could end up being truly unhappy with the outcomes. If you try to hide any doubts you have about wanting children or aren’t truthful about not wanting them, it will eventually come out and you will have wasted your own time, as well as someone else’s.”

Like the other women I talked to, Alex prefers being single to staying in a relationship that isn’t aligned. “It’s better than being with someone who doesn’t share my values,” she says. She encourages other child-free women not to compromise, either. “It’s difficult to say goodbye to somebody that we like, and everything is good, because we don’t want the same thing. But never change your mind about having kids for someone else. Do it for yourself only.” 

Danai Nesta Kupemba is a freelance journalist who has written for Vice, Refinery29, iPaper, Al-Jazeera, and more.

I have been humbled by my own mediocrity, and I am determined to help others not to make the same mistake. So, I have conducted a non-scientific review of how U.S. Olympic athletes meet their partners, by analyzing dozens of current and former American Olympians. I have narrowed down the best ways to meet an Olympian.

Good luck! I say this sincerely—you are really going to need it.

The best way to date an Olympian is to be an elite athlete.

I am horrified to inform you that the best way to ensure that you end up with an Olympian is to be a professional athlete yourself. Ideally, you should actually be an Olympian. There are dozens of Olympic couples—think Megan Rapinoe and Sue Bird, or figure skater Kristi Yamaguchi and ice hockey player Bret Hadican, who met at the 1992 Olympics. Cyclists Laura and Jason Kenny, who are competing for Team Great Britain in Tokyo, have, between the two of them, enough gold to open a boutique jeweler. And in the hottest situation imaginable, Gerek Meinhardt and Lee Kiefer are married Olympians on the American fencing team, and are also both in medical school. He already picked up a bronze in Tokyo, she won gold.

But if you aren’t up to the Olympic level, it’s absolutely fine to just be a professional athlete. Simone Biles’ boyfriend, Jonathan Owens, is an NFL player. Allyson Felix’s husband, Kenneth Ferguson, used to run for the United States, too. Alix Klineman, who just advanced to the women’s volleyball quarterfinals, is engaged to Teddy Purcell, a former NHL player. Jamaican sprinter Elaine Thompson is married to Derron Herrah, a pro-runner turned coach.

Another way to date an Olympian is to meet them before they become an Olympian

If you cannot walk for 3 blocks without pausing to take a little phone break, not all is lost. Eddy Alvarez stands out even among Olympians—he has a silver medal for speedskating in the winter Olympics, and in Tokyo he’ll go for a summer medal, this time in baseball. His wife, somewhat reassuringly, is a real estate agent. But they met in elementary school.

So yes, a non-athlete can meet an Olympian, but it’s best to start early. Champion surfer Carissa Moore is married to her high school sweetheart. Gymnast Mykayla Skinner, who took home a silver this week for the vault, was introduced to her husband through friends in college. Runner-turned-filmmaker Alexi Pappas, who ran for Greece at the 2016 Olympics, also met her husband in college. (They connected while dancing at a rap concert, which feels like it is moving in the right direction, in terms of physical requirements.)

After that, things begin to become physically demanding again—two-time Tokyo gold medalist Bobby Finke is dating Ellie Zweifel, who swims for the University of Florida. And swimmer Caeleb Dressel, who picked up a casual five gold medals in Tokyo, met his wife on his high school swim team.

A third great way to date an Olympian is to be superlative in your field

Perhaps you saw Team Great Britain diver Tom Daley, who looks like a greek statue that has been animated by the gods, and thought, “Who gets to be with that guy?” The answer is Oscar-winning screenwriter Dustin Lance Black, who wrote Milk, the 2008 Harvey Milk biopic. Rugby-player and champion Olympic TikTok-maker Cody Melphy is married to influencer Payton Melphy. 

Nick Wagman, who is representing the United States in dressage, told Out Sports that he met his husband through a series of events that included all of the above factors. Wagman’s now-husband, Kurt Gering, appeared on The Real World (superlative in his field!) and Wagman was a viewer.  One night, Wagman was at a bar that was playing The Real World, Gering walked in. (Met him before he was an Olympian.) Also, Gering is a triathlete. It’s the perfect combination: Wagman and Gering have been together for more than 20 years.

So! The recipe for Olympic love is simple. The strongest situation you can create for yourself if you are determined to be with an Olympian: Change careers, take up an extreme sport, and trust the universe makes it happen. Or, pay up the $9.99/month for Tinder Passport, and take your chances.

Jenny Singer is a staff writer for Glamour. You can follow her on Twitter. 

The BAM Bus is like John Tucker Must Die meets Crossroads, and it needs to be turned into a movie ASAP.

On July 15, The Washington Post published the tale of Abi Roberts, Bekah King, and Morgan Tabor, all college-aged young women who are currently on a cross-country camping trip. Their method of transportation? A renovated bus they’ve nicknamed the BAM Bus (after their three first initials). The reason for the trip? Strap in; it’s a wild ride. 

Roberts, King, and Tabor met last December, when Tabor started feeling like her boyfriend was maybe not as exclusive as they’d recently agreed to be. He wasn’t exactly being sneaky, leaving flirty messages on other girls’ Instagram posts, so Tabor used social media to contact the women he was talking to, and it turned out the guy was dating, like, half a dozen people, many of whom thought they were in exclusive relationships.

One of the women was Roberts. In fact, Tabor and Roberts were on FaceTime together when their mutual cheating boyfriend arrived at Tabor’s’ house. “We were talking, and I suddenly heard his car outside and he came to the door with flowers,” Tabor told the Washington Post. She told him she’d “made some new friends” and recalled, “Watching his face drop when he saw who I was talking to on FaceTime was the most cinematic moment ever.”

Tabor and Roberts then connected with King, another of this Casanova’s paramours, who was just as shocked as they’d been. All three women dumped the guy, who told WaPo, “There are two sides to everything, but I think the best thing right now is to say nothing…I really don’t want anything to do with them anymore.” Probably the smart move.

For their part, the BAM Bus ladies don’t want to shame or embarrass the guy, but celebrate the friendship that came out of their bonkers situation. They said they processed their breakups by messaging each other, forming a bond, and eventually deciding to meet in person.

“This guy had told each of us that it was his dream to pick up a VW bus and travel around the country in it,” said Roberts. “We were sitting around laughing and talking about the van life that weekend, and pretty soon we thought, ‘Hey, we can do this.’ ” A few months later, they hit the road in a bus they refurbished themselves, with help from their dads and YouTube tutorials.

“We’re living our dream life, having a blast,” Tabor said. “It’s incredible to think that it happened because of him.”

Obviously, Twitter ate this story right up, and the comments on Instagram are also celebrating these young women’s ingenuity and friendship.

Living well really is the best revenge. Obsessed.

This is hardly what Jane Austen had in mind when she wrote Pride & Prejudice! An overly formal, superficial, elaborately constructed, very public series of courtship rituals designed to create an advantageous match that will please an audience? Okay, actually, a dating reality show is exactly what Austen had in mind, this makes perfect sense.

Peacock is making Austen lovers’ dreams come true with its upcoming Pride & Prejudice: An Experiment in Romance, a new dating series that basically sounds like The Bachelorette with corsets.

Here is Peacock’s official description of the show:

“A heroine looking for her duke will sign up for the ultimate social experiment in romance. Transported to a Regency-style England, a group of eligible hopeful suitors will have to win the heart of our heroine, and her court. Housed in a castle on the countryside, set on a beautiful backdrop of rolling hills, the heroine and suitors will experience that with which dreams are made of. From carriage rides and boat rides on the lake to archery and handwritten letters to communicate, they will be immersed in a time-traveling quest for love. In the end, our heroine and her suitors will discover if the ultimate romantic experience will find them true love.”

If you’re interested in participating, the application is right here. It asks tantalizing questions like “Is modern dating life failing you? Do you long for a night of romance, chariot rides, and balls? Want to pursue love in a whimsical, international location?” and promises the selected contestants will be “fully immersed in a time-traveling quest for love!”

One of the fields to fill out asks, “Do you consider yourself a romantic at heart? Do you like romance novels? Rom-coms? Big romantic gestures? Explain,” but nowhere on the application, we should note, is Jane Austen actually mentioned. Probably for legal reasons but, come on. Not to be a snob, but don’t apply if you haven’t read the book.

There’s no premiere date set for the show, which is being developed and produced by Endemol Shine with Shine TV, but shooting is “tentatively scheduled for August 23- October 8.” If that’s not enough Regency cosplay for you, remember that there’s also an interactive Bridgerton ball happening this November. Basically, once Hot Girl Summer wraps, we’re doing Regency Autumn til the holidays. Perfect!

I remember going to school the first day and people were all cool with me. Like, “Oh, my God. It’s him.” Then I would leave and go to work for lunch and then come back and then everybody hated me. Because they were like, “Ah, he doesn’t have to go to school.” It’s crazy when you think about it, because it’s not normal. In the regular workplace, you’ve got to be, what, 16 to work? For acting that’s nonexistent. You can be an infant. It’s crazy.

It really is. So, let’s talk about some dating questions.

The fun stuff. [Laughs.]

Yeah! What’s the biggest turn-off for you?

Oh, man. I guess not being confident, because then you constantly have to be blowing her up. I think everybody wants to be with someone who is confident in themselves. Everybody should be gassing up their significant other, but you don’t want that to become a job. Or even like…this might sound bad… [Laughs.]

That’s okay.

I’m a chill dude. I think the worst thing is trying to figure out what you’re going to do as a date. If a girl wants to do big stuff all the time instead of just, like, ordering. You know what I’m saying?

Right, like high-maintenance.

Yeah. There you go. High-maintenance can also be an issue.

What’s your type, then?

Confident. God-fearing. I’m a faith person. I haven’t dated in a long time, but I do want to meet my wife someday…obviously. [Laughs.] I think the main things are confidence; for her to have her own thing going as well. There’s something so sexy about a working woman. I think that’s fire.

Who was your first celebrity crush growing up?

That’s easy for me. Naya Rivera. She recently passed away, which was really, really rough. I have so much respect for her family. I still am in communication with them, so I just want to make sure I’m respectful of that and what her family is going through. She was definitely my first everything. I think subconsciously it’s why I never really date like that because no one really ever… I know someday someone might, but it’s hard to measure up to the type of girl and woman she was.

I read what you wrote about her on Instagram, and it was so beautiful. I’m sorry you experienced that loss.

Re-entering dating apps after months away is strangely reassuring—the world has changed, but the gang’s all still here. My hair catches the wind rippling from the 12 flag emojis in Doug’s profile. I pay my solemn respects to the many fish that have been clubbed to death to communicate a certain sense of outdoorsiness. Games of “Two Truths And A Lie” stretch before me like a lazy trail of vapor behind a jumbo jet. Maybe soon, I will consent to play Catan with a “doggo” in the home of a man who identifies as “the little spoon.” Who knows? The world is my oyster (which you had BETTER like eating, on our spontaneous adventures!)

A dating app, under the best of circumstances, is an interactive gallery of people trying to be appealing. It is a digitized version of a bar, but with zero music or alcohol—actually, it’s probably closer to a single’s mixer in a church basement with an “Improv Magic!” theme. So it makes sense that after a social hiatus long enough to literally travel to and from Mars, behavior on dating apps is approaching new heights of badness.

Here is an example of an exchange I had on a dating app recently. I wrote: “Ethan! How are your plants?” And he wrote back, “Well watered.” Chekhov dreamed of writing dialogue so succinct! Ethan and I will go the rest of our lives without speaking. One day I will be standing in line at the snow cone machine in the afterlife, and who will turn around? Ethan. And what will we talk about? His plants. 

On Hinge, I answered a prompt. “I’m convinced that…” with “…I am personally funding the public library by paying so many late fees.” This is to convey that, ha ha, I am adorably literate but, like, also fun and chill. Recently, a man commented, “While this may be the case, it’s important to give others a chance to check out those books too.” Oh Frederick! I think you were having a bad day. 

I wish that I could say, Ah yes, men are so bad at dating. Worse than ever! Totally unlike me! I long to report that I continue to set the industry standard in the online dating space, creating meaningful emoji innovations while maintaining best “let’s exchange numbers” practices. But no. I too have forgotten how to flirt online.